As of writing this post, I’m not currently in therapy due to some insurance issues. They’re now solved and I’m just waiting to give my therapist new info so I can get back to seeing her.
Part of my sobriety is therapy. This requires a lot of thinking, some tears and working on new coping skills because obviously drinking didn’t turn out to be a good one. I’ve been in therapy longer than I have been sober but I was far from ready when I started. My therapist is thrilled that I’m sober. I’m pretty sure I scared her with a few of my drinking stories.
Thoughts REALLY Do Matter
I believe this is absolutely right. I didn’t want to stop drinking. I was perfectly content with getting horribly drunk as much as possible. I was content not having to deal with the heavy feelings I was dealing with. I didn’t care that I scared my friends and husband. It was funny, at least to me. The hangovers weren’t funny but then, who enjoys that?
Then came the fateful discussion with my doctor about my liver and it’s wonderful functioning levels. Just because my liver sucked didn’t make me want to stop drinking but I thought about the end results if I didn’t stop. Cirrhosis is not a great way to die. I’ve got kids and a husband, and I’d like to be around for them, right? So it was time.
I pouted. I was a bit cranky, a bit withdrawn. I didn’t really want to be around anyone at that point. I had to stop drinking and face my life the way it was. I had already gone through a good part of the grieving process for Jake’s death but I’d been drunk through most of it. I know that he wouldn’t have wanted me to do that to myself. He cared about me far too much to want me to self-destruct.
I also had to face what was left of my marriage with a sober brain?
To hell with that. That was a huge no.
I’d been drinking my way through that, too. Even through therapy, and my therapist was well aware of it. At one point, I figured if I had stayed, I might as well do it sober and give this a good try. I can’t say it has been easy, because that’s a lie. I also can’t say I haven’t felt the huge urge to drink, because that’s also a lie. It is a challenge and a half some days to not go about a mile and a half up the street and grab some vodka or Fireball, but I’m still very much sober.
One of the coping skills I have picked up is coloring. It helps with my anxiety, which has been a huge issue. It helps me relax and think through what is bothering me.
One of the twelve steps is making amends. I didn’t have a lot of people to make amends to, besides a few family members and friends. There is one person, however, that I will probably not be able to make full amends with and it took a lot of work for me to be okay with this. Sometimes things just can’t be fixed. Just about anyone in recovery has this issue.
I want to stay sober at this point. I’ve been sober long enough to know that I can do this. I have a great support system, a tracker that tells me how many days I’ve been sober (yes, this helps), I read the Big Book, and I’m in therapy. This is what works for me.
Everyone is different and has their own plan, likes/doesn’t like the Big Book, etc. I’ve been able to find what makes me happy, motivated and away from alcohol.