I’ve had a lot of comments thanking me for my honesty and openness on this blog. In an effort to continue that, I decided to not write the post I had planned, but one that needed to be written: about the inner thoughts of someone struggling in sobriety.
The Best I Can Do
My sobriety date is 1/1/2017. I hope every single day that I never have to change that date. I continued therapy for another year after that, because I needed to do more work on myself. I needed to finish the work Jake started. It was a promise I made to myself when he died. I finished therapy in May 2018.
I have the phrase “One day at a time” tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. It really is the best I can do. It’s the best that anyone in recovery can do.
I look fine on the outside. I have great kids and a husband. I finally got myself back together. Not too far below the surface, however, lies the thoughts that can ruin my life.
It’s Not As Easy As It Looks
I don’t have thoughts of drinking every day, or even every week. I do get stressed, I do feel pain. I’ve had issues in my marriage lately that are breaking my heart. I didn’t see this stuff coming but yet, here I am.
One night recently, I barely slept. I was able to sleep for a couple hours but woke up and was awake for hours. I sat in my bed, in the darkness, and among many other thoughts, I thoughts about having a couple of drinks.
I knew that my pain would be gone for a while, but when I was done drinking, it would be there all over again. Plus, I’d feel awful for ruining my sobriety and letting down everyone that’s supported me. I also knew one drink wouldn’t do it, thus a very fast slide back into heavy drinking. The kind of pain I was dealing with would have required a huge bottle of Fireball or vodka.
I’m not sure what my tolerance looks like these days, but I’m almost certain drinking doesn’t go well with RA meds. My record is tied: 7 shots on the day I learned of Jake’s death(and I barely felt that) and the night I fell off the barstool.
I didn’t drink that night. I am glad to say that. I literally talked myself out of it. I’m not sure how long it took me to do so, but I did it. How? I reminded myself of a few things:
- I’d be so upset with myself for having to restart my sobriety time. 18 months is a lot of work. So is 18 days, years, or even 18 hours. Any time that you’re sober is good.
- my issues would still be there later.
- The hangover really isn’t worth it. I wake up in enough pain as it is.
Self-talk does work wonders if you do it the right way.
A few days later, the same thoughts came back. This time, I listened to music. This is one of my best coping skills. I left “Starting Over” on repeat until I felt better. I went through my reminders again and I was okay. I’m still struggling but I haven’t wanted a drink in a few days.
I know everyone’s got their own ways of coping but these are two of mine. I wanted to highlight this issue for those who are going through it. It’s not easy. It’s far from pretty. Drinking can and will ruin your life- I’m so glad I stopped. The challenge is to stay sober.