Back to the Beginning

Life has a way of pulling us forward and then yanking us back.

Right now, I’m being yanked.

If you need the back story to Lily’s issues, please read

The Things I Forget

Special Needs Round Two

Thoughts on a Second Diagnosis

So Many Late Night Thoughts

Lily’s pediatrician referred us to a dietician and a pediatric endocrinologist. We saw both in one day, which I don’t recommend. It’s physically and mentally draining.

A few highlights:

  • She doesn’t have any major thyroid issues. Meds may be needed in the future but not today.
  • Her pituitary gland is working fine.
  • No autoimmune issues. I’d be crushed if she did because it would be directly from me.
  • However, she’s sitting on the borderline of type two diabetes. Diabetes runs on both my and Matthew’s sides of the family. Her A1c has dropped, and it wasn’t that high, to begin with, but it would be good to work on this.
  • I turned in the OT paperwork and her dietician is signing her up for a cooking class in the spring.

Isn’t that a LOT to absorb in a few hours?

I didn’t sleep well last night at all (these appointments were on 11/12, two days before this post went up) and as Macklemore once said: “I gotta get this on the page”. For him, it means writing out a rap, I’m writing out my feelings via this blog.

I tried to relax by watching some TV and hanging out with Miss Purr, and that helped. I thought all the stress was gone and then I tried to go to sleep.

Nope. I don’t know what time I fell asleep but it was well after I got in bed around 9 PM.

It probably should have been a melatonin night.

How did she gain so much weight and I didn’t realize it? Jeez, I thought I paid more attention.

Developmental delays are forever.

You’re a crap mom for not starting the changes sooner.

How did you ignore Lily but go so hard for Julian and Cameron?

Do I even want to talk to Matthew about this? I can’t go through what went down in the beginning with Julian again. I’d walk first.

(For the record, I did tell him everything but not because I wanted to.)

These are just a few thoughts.

Trying to Not Feel Sorry for Me

I try to keep a positive outlook on life, even when I’m stressed to the max and/or angry at myself.

This gets really difficult when my brain attacks me. I already struggle with severe anxiety. It kicks into full gear when I have so much to think about.

I don’t sleep, I have a hard time relaxing. I usually don’t talk about it even though I fully know I should. The words are hard to get out of.

I try to remember that we are already making changes. Things don’t get easier overnight. It would be great but that’s not how life works.

I remind myself that Lily doesn’t have any major issues, the ones I feared. This is great.

There are three of these kids and one of me. I’m doing the best I can. I’m just not trying to do anything to make things worse for her. I guess that would mean not doing what the endocrinologist and dietician recommend.

I don’t know how I even thought that she would grow out of her delays. I guess it was wishful thinking. I’ve since realized that I was wrong and so I have to adjust my brain.

Let’s Go Back A Few Years

Julian was diagnosed in 2011 and it changed our lives.

I don’t think I forgot about Lily, but I feel guilty now for letting her fade a bit into the background. Does that make me a bad mom? Probably. Maybe not?

I’m not sure at this point.

As for talking with Matthew, that was non-existent for about three years after Julian’s diagnosis. He wouldn’t listen. He questioned my abilities as a mom, which stuck in my mind permanently.

It’s probably why all Matthew gets is facts, not an ounce of emotion. Even after therapy, I’ve had a hard time wanting to open up to him.

*sigh*

He finally got the idea because he wasn’t left with any other choices. I think that stayed with him because so far, nothing bad has happened.

I just know that I feel the same crushing guilt that I did in 2011.

I didn’t feel so much guilt about Cameron’s heart issues because we had no idea until his first episode. I do, however, feel bad for his migraines. That’s entirely from my genetics.

What’s The Plan?

Obviously, I’m going to follow the recommendations whether Lily is a fan or not.

I’m trying to keep perspective. Lily might need to drop some weight and get more active but there’s a student in my preschool class who might lose her eye due to a tumor.

This kid is barely three.

I will bawl if she does lose her eye.

The lesson?

There’s always someone who has worse issues. Lily’s are fixable. My student’s aren’t.

What else? Try to remember that I’m not as horrible as a mom as I tell myself I am and try my hardest to be patient with Lily.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Intimacy Is Not a Bad Word

Merriam-Webster defines the word intimacy as:

“something of a private or personal nature” and/or “familiarity”.

There are a number of reasons that we can be afraid of intimacy. Two examples:

  • Childhood issues, as in inability to attach to a caregiver, having been abandoned, etc.
  • Past negative events of being intimate with others- abusive relationships, sexual assault, etc.

Either of these issues can set someone on a path of trying to keep themselves “safe”. This can be both good and bad- it’s good to protect yourself from those who may have bad intentions, but may not be so great when someone means well and just wants to get closer to you.

The fear of intimacy can keep you from getting close to others. It can also cause behaviors like:

  • Purposefully pushing others away
  • Keeping friendships and/or relationships superficial so the person can’t see who you really are
  • Coming off as “cold” or “closed off” to others around you.
  • Fear of abandonment and/or rejection.

“Some People Are Worth Melting For”- ” Frozen”

I can’t believe I used a “Frozen” quote but…it fits.

There was a point in my life in which I had become cold. I didn’t even realize it, which is very common. I’d been dealing with anxiety and depression due to my marriage issues. Things were so bad that I felt the need to protect myself emotionally so that I could keep going. I was basically on my own planet.

When your husband is emotionally and verbally abusive, it hurts. It changes you and your marriage permanently.

I was quiet, had lost some of my humor and kept to myself for the most part. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn’t notice the tall, gorgeous man that kept trying to approach me at work.

That man was Jake.

I am forever grateful that I met him. He had a quiet, gentle spirit that helped me open up and heal. I was scared that I would get hurt (and I did) but somehow, I realized he was worth that risk.

He told me once that he didn’t know what to do because I kept brushing him off. I would literally walk away from him because I didn’t want to be bothered, but he kept trying- not in a mean or harassing way.

I apologized to him for seeming so cold- that’s not me at all, even then. I realized that I didn’t want to come off that way to others, so I tried my best to open up and let Jake in. It was one of my best ideas in years.

After his death, I had to address my marriage and where it was going. If we were going to stay together, I would have to work on my fear of being close to Matthew again.

I cried my way through lots of therapy sessions before I could decide to let myself take that risk again. Matthew had changed, so I needed to do the same.

I talked a lot about my fears and realized that I was the only one that could truly fix them. Over time, I’ve been able to be fully intimate, meaning emotionally and physically, with Matthew again. It’s helped our marriage a lot.

Thinking

How Can I Make Changes?

Changes are definitely possible, but they may not be fun.

Coming to terms with this fear can be difficult, depending on individual circumstances. Some may require therapy. Some can work through this fear on their own.

Either way is okay. Everyone’s different and heals in their own way.

A few steps for facing the fear of intimacy:

  • Think about it- what is it exactly that makes you fear intimacy so much?
  • Write it out- this can help sort out your thoughts.
  • Talk. Then talk some more. Rachel, my former therapist, once told me “If it’s on your mind and bothering you, you should probably say it.” I admit this was a big struggle for me, and it’s still an issue sometimes, but it is worth it.
  • Get informed. This is a deep fear for many and there’s information all over the Internet. The information for this post is from Psych Mind
  • Take small steps. Don’t rush into something because you’re trying to get past a fear. It may take years for intimacy to feel okay for you. Examples: Try opening up to someone you have wanted to but only about one topic. Let someone take care of you.
  • Seek a therapist if this fear is keeping you from living your best life.

Forming a sense of intimacy with others can be tough. Facing this fear can create personal growth that you may not have expected.

Has intimacy been a problem for you? What has helped you face the fear OR what keeps you from facing it?

Book Review: “Girl, Interrupted”

This month’s book review is for another movie/book combo.

Feel free to comment or email me with your thoughts at wraemsanders@gmail.com.

I’m not sure which I like more- the book was intriguing, but the movie is a bit more in-depth. I guess it depends on whether you are more of a book or movie person.

**TRIGGER WARNING** This book review does briefly discuss suicidal thoughts, attempts, and similar topics. Please read at your own discretion.

Book cover

Title and why I chose this book:

“Girl, Interrupted” by Susanna Kaysen

It’s not often that people tell their story of mental illness- at least not from the time frame that Susanna does. This book was based on her story in the 1960s when it wasn’t acceptable to tell anyone you had a mental illness, much less write a book about it. I think it’s interesting to look at a person’s story from another angle, even if it’s a different time.

Who do I think this book is intended for?

If you aren’t familiar with what it was like to be a patient in a mental health facility during this time period, Susanna’s story will give you a peek into it. Many of us are a bit curious about that, myself included. I think it’s because of my work in similar facilities. I’ve read quite a bit about facilities in the past and how patients were treated, and it wasn’t always positive.

What did I like about this book?

I like Susanna’s honesty. She breaks down her thoughts and the events that occur in the story so that the reader can understand exactly what is going on. Some of those events may be a little hard for us to comprehend because we weren’t there to witness them, but she tries her best.

What didn’t I like about this book?

I thought that the book could have been a little longer, I think it ended a bit abruptly. Everyone has their opinions on this, so maybe it’s just me. The tone of the book was a bit formal for me, but I had to remind myself of the time the book was set in.

Plot:

Susanna is hospitalized at McLean Hospital in 1967. Her hospital paperwork is actually included in the book, with some things blacked out. This wouldn’t have happened today, thanks to HIPAA. I’ve seen this in other books, but it still astounds me.

She is hospitalized following a suicide attempt- I won’t include details, but she does detail the attempt and events that follow it. She also discusses suicidal thoughts and means.

I had a laugh while reading her description of “maximum security” and McLean’s checks system. This is the way that mental health workers (“orderlies” in the book) are able to assess patients on a 1:1 (constant), 7.5, 15 or 30-minute basis for their safety. Try doing 7.5-minute checks while hugely pregnant. I did this while pregnant with Lily and it was a bit challenging.

Susanna signed herself in voluntarily and thought she would be there for two weeks- this became almost two years. She got along with her roommate and the other patients around her, and after her release, was able to find two of them. She was released after she was offered a proposal for marriage.

What was Susanna’s diagnosis? I won’t spoil that for you. It’s in her paperwork.

I’ll let you find it in the book.

Quote that I liked:

“Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified.”

Just because you’re broken inside doesn’t mean you’re “crazy”. Everyone’s a little broken, right?

Come back next month for another book review!

Picture courtesy of Google

Book Review: “Fall to Pieces”

I love to read memoirs. For some reason, I really enjoy reading memoirs of those with addiction, and this was before my drinking became a problem. I’ve read “Life” by Keith Richards, which was fantastic but took three weeks because it’s over 500 pages.

I’ve also read Nikki Sixx’s book, “The Heroin Diaries”. It was a bit wild, but still very interesting. I’m just waiting for a member of Fleetwood Mac to come out with their memoirs. If anyone knows of one, please let me know.

I”ve read “Fall to Pieces” before, but it was a bit different re-reading it this time. This book was written by Mary Forsberg Weiland, the first wife of Scott Weiland.

He was the lead singer for Stone Temple Pilots, one of the best rock bands of the 90s. If you’re too young to know who this band is, you might want to go on YouTube. They were a great band. Scott died in December 2015, unfortunately from an overdose.

Book cover

The book opens with a very descriptive explanation of her childhood in California, a bit in New Jersey after her mom’s remarriage and, of course, when she met Scott.

Mary also became a model while moving around and became quite successful while still a teen. She also met her best friends during this time. She became friends with Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers. They have remained friends for many years.

It wasn’t until I read Scar Tissue, his autobiography, that I understood all the while Anthony was being my true friend, his own soul was being badly shaken.”

This stood out. We don’t always know what our friends are going through, much less anyone else. People hide things but still make things look at least bearable. I’ve been there for my friends through their own issues but yet struggling through my own.

The story of her relationship and later, marriage, with Scott, is so well detailed. She tells of the good, bad and in between. They were together off and on nearly a decade before marrying, and they had two kids together- a daughter and a son.

During this time, Mary drank and used a lot of substances. She knew it wasn’t the best way to live, but it took multiple attempts to finally stop using.

Mary also has had a long battle with bipolar disorder, possibly beginning when she was a teen. It’s hard for her or anyone else to know. She wasn’t diagnosed until well into adulthood, and this is well documented in the book. She struggled to accept this diagnosis along with being an addict.

Many people with either issue do. I will say she is being treated and is sober, but I won’t spoil the ending for you on how she got there.

Mary shared a quote from a community college class:

“In recovery, we look for progress, not perfection.”

Collage 2018-04-15 14_57_12.jpg

This is very accurate. Nobody is perfect, and anyone recovering from any kind of addiction certainly isn’t. Progress is what counts the most. It is not close to easy, and anyone who tells you it is- they are not entirely correct.

One of my best friends, Tyson, once asked me if I was okay while sitting at dinner and the talk to turned to beer for a while. I wasn’t a fan of beer to begin with, and he knows this, but he was making sure I wasn’t thinking about having a drink.

I wasn’t, but I am very grateful that he asked. It took a year before I could even go into a sports bar. “One day at a time” is the best quote I have ever heard that applies to recovery.

As many of us know, Scott and Mary did not work out (the section about the end of their marriage is a sad one) but they were able to co-parent, at least as of the writing of this book. I’m one of the millions of fans that were saddened to hear of Scott’s death. He was incredibly talented, like many others, but yet, he had an addiction that he was never quite able to end.

Pic courtesy of Google