Book Review: “72 Hour Hold”

This month’s book review pick is “72 Hour Hold” by Bebe Moore Campbell. Her novel is set in a black family- a mom and daughter in California.

Clearing Up A Mystery

For those of you who may not know what a 72-hour hold is, it’s an order signed by a psychiatrist for someone to be hospitalized (voluntarily or involuntarily) for further psychological observation.

This can happen for a variety of reasons but mainly to prevent a patient from harming themselves and/or others. I have helped with admissions and discharges for these holds. I’ve also helped with other things during these times and it’s not easy or pretty.

The patient may or may not stay the whole 72 hours- I’ve seen people leave in less than 24. This depends on a lot of factors. This isn’t always a good thing, because if someone really needs to be hospitalized but is able to convince doctors and staff that they are “okay” to leave, bad things can and have happened afterward.

The Rest of the Story

The main character in this story, Trina, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She’s in high school and about to turn 18. Due to a severely aggressive episode with her mom, Keri, she is once again hospitalized.

Keri becomes exhausted with the lack of help from the mental health facility that Trina is in. She’s trying to deal with her daughter’s illness, her boutique, Trina’s father’s denial of her illness and just trying to live a “normal” life.

The black community has a long-standing stigma about mental illness- you don’t get help. You don’t talk about your sadness “outside” the house. You pray about it. I have a post about this issue Breaking Down While Black

Keri wants to help Trina the best way she can, especially before she turns 18. When she turns 18, that’s it- she will be able to make her own decisions. Keri finds a somewhat controversial and possibly illegal way to do so- but what is it? Does Trina respond? What happens next?

Recommended Reading after “72 Hour Hold”: “Black Pain”

Adjusting to a New World

Many parents, myself included, envision parenting as this wonderful adventure in which kids develop at the pace they should, play instruments and/or sports, learn to drive, go to prom and all that great stuff.

But what happens when those things are altered because of a special needs diagnosis?

Cry a little

The Big Change

Some parents find out about their child’s diagnosis before or right after birth, in cases of Spinal Bifida, Cerebral Palsy and Down’s Syndrome. I know parents of kids with these diagnoses, and it has been life changing for these families. All of them have other kids without any special needs.

The adjustment is hard. I cried my way through Lily’s evaluation for First Steps the day before her first birthday, even though I knew something was not going right. I knew she needed more help than what I could give her. That story can be found in Special Needs Round Two . When her diagnosis of global delays was given, I was even more devastated. The blame game began. It took a lot of talking with Lily’s speech therapist, Denise, to realize that it wasn’t my fault that she was developmentally delayed. We are in the process of getting Lily re-evaluated. At ten, she is still showing signs of issues that we thought she had grown out of. Cross your fingers for us- we may need it.

In Julian’s case, it’s been a tougher road. His psychiatric nurse practitioner, Ann, once said that we have adjusted wonderfully as a family to Julian’s needs. I almost hugged her. I explained to her that it has not been easy and it remains a somewhat rugged path. My question is: Why not adjust? Julian is wired differently and that’s okay. If we didn’t adjust, he would feel badly about himself and I couldn’t bear the thought of this. It would also cause so much chaos for him that he doesn’t need or deserve. It would do the same for the rest of us. Why do that?

He needs the ability to feel okay about who he is, quirks and all. We’ve enjoyed watching him grow and finally develop a sense of humor. Every kid needs that, with or without a diagnosis. In a home with medical issues, this is a necessity.

I have made many mistakes in raising Julian (and his siblings). Even after reading up, trying many different things, therapy for both of us, getting Matthew on board and lots of burnt dinners in the process, things remain interesting. Julian is now 12 and puberty is kicking in.

Learning that your child has a medical and/or physical special needs diagnosis is complex. Some parents grieve the life they feel their child “should have had”. This is a rough one for me, as I’ve never done this. I can see this happening with kids with severe medical problems. A high school friend of mine has a child with spinal bifida and she lives a full life. Instead of being devastated and staying in a hole as some might, Shelly and her kids go out and do all kinds of neat things. Ryan is eight, and she is one of the coolest kids ever. She’s a tiny fighter. Some parents, like myself, are devastated and are not sure where to go next. Some fall into the “research pattern” and find all kinds of information to know exactly what to do.

This can be a great thing- I have read up a lot on Julian’s diagnoses and it didn’t hurt to work with kids with similar issues. (It did physically hurt some days, but that’s another story. I learned a lot from that job.) Some parents, sadly, go into denial. This can be damaging to everyone involved, and I highly recommend seeing a therapist, church member, or another trusted person. If it’s your partner, this can get really bad quickly, and I definitely know the pain of where it can go. Please do what you can to change that path. Talking can help. Easing your partner into information, appointments, and other things can help. Just don’t force them, because that can make things worse.

I recommend reading up, asking questions, and getting all the help from the medical community you can. The more information you have, the more empowered you feel to help your child. Julian’s been very lucky- he has had a great team from day one, because I wouldn’t let him have anything less. I’m a proud mama shark.

Never give up

It’s okay to feel different things- don’t let anyone make you feel different. Julian was diagnosed almost seven years ago, and some days I still feel overwhelmed. As of writing this post, I’m about to battle it out with his school over his IEP because it’s currently not being followed. Some days are better than others. Some days are absolutely great, some are so bad that you want to devour a liter of Cherry Coke, a bag of salt and vinegar chips and call it a day. (Okay, maybe that’s just me. I didn’t do all of that, but I considered it.) If you’re overwhelmed, write it out. Get someone to help you sort out your feelings.

Making The Best of Things

Daily life also changes. Depending on the diagnosis, your child may need assistance with everything, or nothing at all. This can become time-consuming and require an overhaul of your routine as you knew it. Food may need to be altered due to sensory issues- I live in a house with two kids with sensory issues, and I gave up on those battles years ago. Julian won’t eat french fries if he can see the potato skins or if they aren’t super warm. Lily won’t eat anything that resembles soup, any pasta that isn’t spaghetti, mainly because it looks different. Julian actually had a meltdown once over the shape of pasta my father in law used for dinner. These changes can be irritating to make, but they are necessary for the world our kids live in. I’ve learned to look inside Julian’s mind a bit, probably because of my work, and try to see the world as he does. It can get hard, but it’s worth it. Explaining this to others can get even harder, even your partner.

Small steps

It takes time to adjust- it won’t happen overnight. It takes time to learn how your child’s machines work, or how to get the wheelchair to fit in your van. Give yourself space to make those mistakes. I completely screwed up Julian’s 12th birthday party by inviting too many people, which cause him to shut down at the end, but I’m pretty sure he still likes me. He used to get mad at me when I would hold onto him with a death grip in parking lots and large stores, but he had a bad record of eloping. It was terrifying to have to run after a very fast 5 year old, especially in a parking lot. He was seven before I let him walk more than a foot or two away from me. (I never used a leash because I hate those things.)

If you’ve got a kid who takes things literally, you have to change how you talk to them. For example, I once told Julian to drop the jar of jelly he was holding after he was told not to eat anything. I was making dinner and he didn’t need to eat so soon before.

He dropped the jar.

Major mom fail.

Thankfully, the jar was plastic. That would have been an awful mess otherwise. Matthew and I have had to re-think things before we say them, because Julian thinks differently, and so does Lily, to an extent. We are still trying to figure out her thought patterns. She doesn’t quite think on a 10-year-old level, so we have to tread carefully.

Super parent

Final Thoughts and Tips:

If you have to buy things to keep your house, kid and car safe, do it. You’ll thank yourself later.

It really does take a village. I have friends that have kids with all kinds of physical/ developmental disabilities. A few have kids with autism, and they have been so helpful when I’ve needed them.

Being a parent of a special needs kid will make you a different person. I’ve fought for Julian since day one. Lily’s issues haven’t required so much of a fight, but I would do the same for her. It makes you tougher and less likely to take people’s crap.

Breathe and find something that makes you laugh. Comedy will get you through anything.

Get a binder and organize all of your kid’s paperwork. Julian and Lily have their own binders.

You are not alone, and get help if you need it. Take time for you, because your kids need Mom at her best. If you’re tired, sad and cranky, that’s not your best.

If you have other kids, let them be involved in adjustments. It’s not easy to be the sibling of a special needs kid. My kids have been pretty good about Julian, but it can get hard for us as parents. Cameron and Lily have a post about this in The Siblings’ Turn

Allow your child to live their best life. If they can do it- let them. My friend Laura Leigh’s son, Levi, is seven. He is in a wheelchair due to Cerebral Palsy, and he is an awesome kid. He smiles for days, gives his younger sister Presley wheelchair rides and loves school. I let Julian run cross country in the fifth grade and he loved it. We have a rule that his diagnoses aren’t excuses for not behaving. He does have bad days, but he doesn’t get to say, “I’ve got autism, so I get to act like that”, “I forgot my ADHD meds, that’s why I’m like this today”.

Most of all, love and accept your child the way they are. It might sound weird that I wrote that, but it is saddening that many parents don’t. Acceptance and love matters- it’s everything.

Quotes courtesy of Pinterest

Recommended Reading: The Spark: A Mother’s Story of Nurturing Genius

Twin Mummy and Daddy

A Beginner’s Guide to ADHD

Most kids are not quiet. They tend to be loud, run around and get into things. Some kids are a bit more adventurous than others. They are easier to anger, yell or interrupt us. Maybe all of the above and more. This can go on for years past the “terrible twos”, which is supposed to end by age four at the latest.

The Trip Into the Unknown

There is not a certain day that I knew that something was a bit different with Julian. I just knew. That story can be read in Looking At The Bright Side

It’s incredibly difficult to realize that your child may need to be evaluated for any reason. You may question yourself as a person, as a parent. I did this daily. Matthew did this towards me and things went badly between us after that.

There are many books to help get you through the diagnosis and afterward, but what about the unknown? There are support groups for this. I’m in a couple on Facebook, both local and non-local. They’re helpful for almost any question I’ve had in 6 years.

The unknown is scary. Why didn’t I see this earlier? What’s next? What about when my child is an adult? What about medication? These are just a few questions.

Just about every parent has a moment that snaps them into action- a play date gone bad, daycare/school issues or other similar reasons. I realized things were adding up to not being the way they should be. Julian was still having loud and destructive tantrums, very aggressive and his siblings were scared of him. Plus he had problems sleeping and was very hyper.

Julian and a worm

Julian has always loved bugs..one of many

Looking For The Signs

The signs of ADHD are usually hit-you-in-the-face obvious, at least with boys. With girls, it may be less obvious and diagnosed later. Many boys are diagnosed as early as four or five (Julian was five) but because of personality differences, most girls are diagnosed as late as 10 or 11, if not older.

This information can be found on Additude Magazine

Main Signs of ADHD:

  1. Problems with concentration and/or retaining focus on school work, household chores, etc. This can mean incomplete work, half done chores, missing homework, etc.
  2. Easily sidetracked or loses focus.
  3. Doesn’t seem to listen when being spoken to, like their mind is off somewhere else.
  4. Difficulty keeping belongings organized- school supplies, sports equipment, or even losing clothes, glasses or toys.
  5. Forgetful in daily activities. This can include chores, homework or other things asked of the child.
  6. Often has problems sitting still, staying in one place, seems driven by a motor or “fidgety”.
  7. Talks excessively and/or constantly interrupting others’ conversations.
  8. Difficulty waiting their turn.
  9. Runs and/or climbs in inappropriate situations.
  10. Intrudes on others repeatedly.

There is a timeline that these behaviors have to be observed for, and this leads me to the next step.

What’s Next?

I highly recommend speaking to your child’s pediatrician. They will know how to screen him/her for ADHD and if needed, refer them for testing. Julian was first seen by his pediatrician and then evaluated by a neuropsychologist.

If your pediatrician screens your child for ADHD, they will have you fill out a questionnaire and have your child’s teacher fill one out if that applies. It’s a pretty simple questionnaire. It helps them see what is going on from your perspective and an educational one.

The same will occur if you are sent for an evaluation. The evaluation may be one day or spread out over two. This depends on the testing itself and your child.

Each practice differs on results, so please ask about how long those take when you are setting things up. The wait can be excruciating. Our wait was two weeks but it crept by.

A painting at school

Mother’s Day 2012 at school

Moving Into The Future

Once you have a diagnosis, you will have a better idea of what to do. There are options, depending on what you feel works for your child and family. Medications aren’t for everyone but they definitely help. Julian has been medicated since not long after his diagnosis. It was a difficult decision to medicate a 5-year old that was already small for his age, but I am very glad that I chose that route.

Most kids with ADHD struggle in some way socially, and Julian is one of them. This didn’t surprise me since he also has autism, but it also broke my heart numerous times. He was placed in social skills therapy, as recommended by his former psychiatrist.

This social skills group was great and he went for almost a year. He learned a lot and has made a lot of progress in this area. I will discuss getting outside help for kids with autism and other disabilities in an upcoming post.

The main options include:

  1. Medication
  2. Therapy- occupational, social, physical, and/or for emotional issues
  3. A combination
  4. As recommended by your child’s pediatrician.
All done with group therapy

Finishing group therapy!

ADHD can be a hard diagnosis to figure out, especially in the beginning. There’s still a lot of stigma behind it- if others around understand more, we can help our kids be understood a lot better.

Have you had issues with getting your child screened for ADHD? Are you worried about a child that is showing symptoms? Leave your thoughts in the comments.

Twin Mummy and Daddy
Run Jump Scrap

Song Lyric Saturday with Jewel

I like older music, so here we are.

I loved Jewel and wished for years that she would make new music. Why? Songs like “Hands”

The world we live in is a wild, scary and seemingly awful one. Kindness matters a lot. It almost seems like people have forgotten how to be kind.

I’m trying to raise three kind people. I want them to help others when they can even if it’s something as small as opening a door for someone. My mom has mobility issues due to her knee and we have an awful driveway. The kids often help her down the driveway so she doesn’t fall. They volunteer- we usually don’t have to ask.

I try to be kind to others- it isn’t a hard thing to do. I compliment someone’s outfit or makeup. I tell them to have a good day. It may be small but you never know how much that helps. You don’t know what people are dealing with.

Matthew does have a kind heart, it’s actually one of my favorite things about him. It’s what led to him bringing the lovely Miss Purr home almost two years ago as a tiny 1 year old. She weighed four pounds then and even at a full grown seven pounds, she’s still small. We love her a ton. He helps his family with fixing things because he’s really good at it.

Kindness matters.

What do you do to spread kindness?

LGBTQ Kids: A Guide

Parenting is full of challenges. We face them everyday- food allergies, mental and/or physical disabilities, bullying, and the list goes on.

There’s a point in life in which our kids decide to date and none of us are ever ready for that- it freaks us out. This happens as early as 12 or 13 (Cameron is 13 and hasn’t thought about a girl yet. This is fine with me.) or can be years later. Most of us don’t blink an eye at who they will date, because we just assume they will date someone of the opposite sex, right?

What Happens When They Don’t?

I’ve already thought this one out. I don’t care. As long as my kids find someone that loves and supports them, I honestly don’t care who they date. Race isn’t an issue for obvious reason, and that’s not the topic of the post. I just want my kids to be happy with whoever they love. That’s it. If Lily brings home a girl and they get married, then I get to watch them say yes to the dress or whatever they wear.

My best male friends are gay, and my cousin Jason is now my cousin Julie, thanks to the wonders of surgery. She is brave as hell for coming out as transgender and having surgery. She even changed her birth certificate in Florida. Our family embraced her in her changes and barely batted an eye. There’s really no point in ridiculing someone for being who they are. You can’t change someone’s sexuality.

Lgbt flag, kids, parenting

Being a teen is hard enough as it is today. There’s so much pressure to get great grades, fit in, get into a good college, work, and so on. When you’re a 16 year old girl who likes other girls, it gets a bit harder to be “normal”. You wonder if others would still like you, even your own family. You grew up hearing slurs about homosexuals and you know it’s not going to be great if you tell your parents.

Then there’s the boys who want to date you and you know they won’t stay away forever. All you want is to find a girl that likes you and that you like back, but how does that work? It’s confusing and scary. Bullying is a thing, and LGBTQ teens have it harder.

Stats hrc.org, kids, LGBTQ

Coming out is scary. It’s rough. The average age is 17, much younger than it used to be according to a British study found on Everyday Feminism

Teens are smart- they know the risks of telling their families something this big. Some families are accepting, and some families are ready to kick their kids right out of the house, which is a shame.

It’s heartbreaking to know that some kids feel they have to hide this part of themselves, because it can lead to drug and/or substance abuse issues, along with mental health issues, like depression and anxiety. A kid can only mask so much for so long. It does get better, time goes by, people do open their minds to new things.

Sometimes the people they think will have horrible reactions will have the opposite reaction. The negative messages are also an issue- they can send a message that a kid is a bad person, or is “going to hell”, etc. This can just add to already negative thoughts that a kid can have about themselves.

It gets better when LGBTQ kids find others like them- online, in school, through other friends, in other ways. It does help that many LGBTQ kids are out to their friends and classmates. Those friends and classmates, for the most part, are accepting, and can be a great source of support.

20180423_090708.jpg

What Can Parents Do?

  • Let them know you love them. I’m pretty sure this is the biggest part of accepting your child, no matter what. They need to know this. The scariest thing to many LGBTQ kids is coming out. Once they know they have parental support, there is a huge sense of relief. Be as open minded and present as you can be, even if you aren’t quite sure what to do.
  • Research. Parenting requires a lot of thinking and reading. We don’t always know what to do. That’s why the Internet exists. There are quite a few websites for parents of LGBTQ kids, including Hopkins Medicine
  • Talk about it. This doesn’t mean hound about their sex life, because that’s definitely awkward for everyone involved, but let them know you are there when they need you, if they have questions, etc.
  • Remember this is not a “phase”, there is no “cure”, and there is nobody to “blame”.
  • Watch out for bullying at school. It’s a reality that LGBTQ kids are bullied at school and other places. If you need to, get involved with the school. You can read Bullying: A Closer Look for more ideas and resources.
  • Talk to someone if you feel overwhelmed.

Female couple, acceptance

The world of teenage dating can get pretty complicated, this is just a different road. It’s possible to walk together with your child. Cheer them on!

Pics courtesy of Unsplash

Statistics pics courtesy of hrc.org

Info can be found on:

Everyday Feminism

Hopkins Medicine