Back to the Beginning

Life has a way of pulling us forward and then yanking us back.

Right now, I’m being yanked.

If you need the back story to Lily’s issues, please read

The Things I Forget

Special Needs Round Two

Thoughts on a Second Diagnosis

So Many Late Night Thoughts

Lily’s pediatrician referred us to a dietician and a pediatric endocrinologist. We saw both in one day, which I don’t recommend. It’s physically and mentally draining.

A few highlights:

  • She doesn’t have any major thyroid issues. Meds may be needed in the future but not today.
  • Her pituitary gland is working fine.
  • No autoimmune issues. I’d be crushed if she did because it would be directly from me.
  • However, she’s sitting on the borderline of type two diabetes. Diabetes runs on both my and Matthew’s sides of the family. Her A1c has dropped, and it wasn’t that high, to begin with, but it would be good to work on this.
  • I turned in the OT paperwork and her dietician is signing her up for a cooking class in the spring.

Isn’t that a LOT to absorb in a few hours?

I didn’t sleep well last night at all (these appointments were on 11/12, two days before this post went up) and as Macklemore once said: “I gotta get this on the page”. For him, it means writing out a rap, I’m writing out my feelings via this blog.

I tried to relax by watching some TV and hanging out with Miss Purr, and that helped. I thought all the stress was gone and then I tried to go to sleep.

Nope. I don’t know what time I fell asleep but it was well after I got in bed around 9 PM.

It probably should have been a melatonin night.

How did she gain so much weight and I didn’t realize it? Jeez, I thought I paid more attention.

Developmental delays are forever.

You’re a crap mom for not starting the changes sooner.

How did you ignore Lily but go so hard for Julian and Cameron?

Do I even want to talk to Matthew about this? I can’t go through what went down in the beginning with Julian again. I’d walk first.

(For the record, I did tell him everything but not because I wanted to.)

These are just a few thoughts.

Trying to Not Feel Sorry for Me

I try to keep a positive outlook on life, even when I’m stressed to the max and/or angry at myself.

This gets really difficult when my brain attacks me. I already struggle with severe anxiety. It kicks into full gear when I have so much to think about.

I don’t sleep, I have a hard time relaxing. I usually don’t talk about it even though I fully know I should. The words are hard to get out of.

I try to remember that we are already making changes. Things don’t get easier overnight. It would be great but that’s not how life works.

I remind myself that Lily doesn’t have any major issues, the ones I feared. This is great.

There are three of these kids and one of me. I’m doing the best I can. I’m just not trying to do anything to make things worse for her. I guess that would mean not doing what the endocrinologist and dietician recommend.

I don’t know how I even thought that she would grow out of her delays. I guess it was wishful thinking. I’ve since realized that I was wrong and so I have to adjust my brain.

Let’s Go Back A Few Years

Julian was diagnosed in 2011 and it changed our lives.

I don’t think I forgot about Lily, but I feel guilty now for letting her fade a bit into the background. Does that make me a bad mom? Probably. Maybe not?

I’m not sure at this point.

As for talking with Matthew, that was non-existent for about three years after Julian’s diagnosis. He wouldn’t listen. He questioned my abilities as a mom, which stuck in my mind permanently.

It’s probably why all Matthew gets is facts, not an ounce of emotion. Even after therapy, I’ve had a hard time wanting to open up to him.

*sigh*

He finally got the idea because he wasn’t left with any other choices. I think that stayed with him because so far, nothing bad has happened.

I just know that I feel the same crushing guilt that I did in 2011.

I didn’t feel so much guilt about Cameron’s heart issues because we had no idea until his first episode. I do, however, feel bad for his migraines. That’s entirely from my genetics.

What’s The Plan?

Obviously, I’m going to follow the recommendations whether Lily is a fan or not.

I’m trying to keep perspective. Lily might need to drop some weight and get more active but there’s a student in my preschool class who might lose her eye due to a tumor.

This kid is barely three.

I will bawl if she does lose her eye.

The lesson?

There’s always someone who has worse issues. Lily’s are fixable. My student’s aren’t.

What else? Try to remember that I’m not as horrible as a mom as I tell myself I am and try my hardest to be patient with Lily.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

Book Review: “Valley Of the Dolls”

For this month’s book review, I chose a book that was a little different.

“Valley of The Dolls” is one of my favorite books, and I have loved it since the first time I read it. I don’t know how many times I have read it. The “dolls” that the book refers to is not the kind of doll your children may play with.

These dolls are pills, and there is a variety of them mentioned. In this book, which is set in the 1940s-60s, they are mainly sleeping pills, with some diet pills mentioned. I don’t think any of the pills mentioned exist today, but I’m going to assume that some of them are the basis of some of the pills that exist now.

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The book is based on the lives of three young women living in New York City- Anne, Neely, and Jennifer. They meet while trying to make a life in the city coming from three very different backgrounds. Sometimes they clash, at other times they do very well together.

They fall in love, experience heartbreak and one becomes a famous movie star and singer. One reaches her dreams of being a model and actress, and the other is happy as a secretary then falls into modeling for a makeup line.

Neely is the somewhat troubled one of the three. While chasing her dreams, she becomes addicted to pills and begins drinking heavily. She eventually ends up having to step back from the world to take care of herself, but not because she wants to.

She also became very depressed and attempted suicide more than once. She had a hard time dealing with the pressures of stardom and her chaotic life.

Jennifer goes to Europe and back, but doesn’t find true happiness until it’s almost too late. She didn’t want to live for her body, but it is all she knows. She marries twice and almost a third to someone who truly loves her, which is all she wanted before the unforeseen occurs.

Anne finds the love of her life in Lyon Burke, the friend of her boss. She refuses to give up on him, no matter what. This love remains even after he leaves her not once, but twice. Everyone thinks she is mad for not letting go, even when she has a relationship with another man. Does Lyon ever come back for her? You’ll have to read to find out.

This book does have a sequel, set much later in everyone’s lives, and includes Anne and Neely’s children. This is called “Shadow of the Dolls”. I’ve read this, and it’s interesting. I didn’t include my thoughts on it for this review, but I definitely recommend reading it.

Jacqueline Susann died in 1974 and Rae Lawrence wrote this sequel based on the outline she left behind. The storyline flows well from book to book, even though there is a very large time gap between them.

If you need a novel to keep you well entertained, this is definitely one to go for.

Picture courtesy of Pinterest