Love Through Bipolar

This post might be triggering, as it discusses loving someone with a mental illness, so here is the official **TRIGGER WARNING** Topics discussed in this post include bipolar disorder and loss.

I Was Enchanted

I could go on for a while about all the good things about Jake because there were so many.

But yet, he struggled, like many of us do. When I met him, I really had no idea. Mental illness really isn’t the first thing most people talk about when they first meet someone. In fact, our first conversation was about Julian. However, ADHD and autism is a whole different story from bipolar disorder.

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Jake had beautiful blue eyes and a smile that would melt your heart. I didn’t know that he hid so much, even up until the very last day I saw him, the day before he died.

Meds and the Truth

I’ve tried many medications for migraines and one just happened to be Depakote. This is also used to treat mental health illnesses, including bipolar disorder. We were talking about this one day and finally…

I take that too, but not for migraines.”

What?? Was this it? I’d been waiting for Jake to say something. I’d seen signs of something going on, but I wasn’t sure what. Sometimes we would talk constantly and then go days without speaking. His birthday had just gone by and instead of wanting to hang out, he had said he’d rather be alone. He’d even told me he considered himself as a “project” for me to take on. I didn’t see him like that at allย and made sure he knew it.

“What do you take it for?”

He looked away for a minute and then back. “Because I have bipolar disorder.”

Well, then, that was explained. He actually asked me if that changed how I felt about him (nope, not even a little). Apparently, this had caused issues in the past. Some people just aren’t equipped to deal with it, but that’s still really painful for the person involved.

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“The stakes are high, the water’s rough..” – “Ours”, Taylor Swift

Jake’s darker side did make a few appearances, but never once did he get aggressive towards me. We argued a bit, but that’s it. In two years, he only yelled at me twice. Me? More. But then, I’m just naturally loud.

Meds? It’s a well-known fact that many people that have bipolar disorder (and other illnesses) have compliance issues with taking medications, and he was one of them. Along with his brother, I tried to remind and encourage him to take his medications, but it didn’t always work.

Jake and I learned how to read each other- I have always been good at reading others. Thanks to this skill, I was able to tell when he was or wasn’t taking his meds, or when he was or wasn’t having a good day. This helped on his end when I was deeply upset and didn’t want to talk.

He tried so hard to hide this from me, but I still saw everything. I told him that I wasn’t scared of what he was trying to hide. I needed to see it to know what I was dealing with. There were days he just wasn’t the person I knew. He wouldn’t talk or return my texts, but everything was in his eyes.

In his manic episodes, he’d barely sleep, get paranoid (this went really bad a couple months before he died and we didn’t speak for a month), and other things would happen. In a depressive episode, he basically shut down. I would literally have to wait for him to come out of these periods.

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Google Became My Friend

I started researching. I knew a lot already about mental illness, but how to love someone with one? Totally clueless. I learned to give Jake his space, even though it hurt. I made sure he knew I was there when he needed me. I learned not to take everything so deeply, especially if he was agitated and it just wasn’t him. None of this was easy, and it hurt so much to watch him struggle.

This wasn’t perfect, not from the first day. Let’s start with the fact that I’m married. Jake was a huge flirt, and that’s a whole different post. I had to learn that just because he didn’t show me that he cared in the ways I thought he should have didn’t mean he didn’t care at all. He just cared differently. He made sure I took my migraine meds and had breakfast at work, asked me daily how Julian was doing, let me cry, and among many other things, he cared about me for me. That is the best thing he could have done. I did exactly the same for him.

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I know you can’t love someone out of a mental health situation, but you can definitely help them through it. Love helps with that. Jake was a bit quiet and distant in the days before his death, but none of us saw anything like what would happen on September 1, 2015, coming.

It is entirely possible to love someone with a mental illness. Just remember to take care of yourself, don’t let them get away with everything because of whatever they may have and as always, reach out if you need to.

NAMI

DBSAlliance

My Career in Psychology

I am not entirely sure when I decided to go into psychology. As a kid, I wanted to be a meteorologist. I love watching weather reports, even to this day. If there’s a storm coming, I’m all over the weather reports. I probably would have gone into this had I not realized that there’s a lot of math involved. I hate math.

An Interesting Change

I realized that I love fashion. I love clothes, makeup and at one point, designing evening gowns. Unfortunately, I cannot construct clothing. I can sew by hand but forget a sewing machine. I ended up selling mine to my friend Stephanie’s mother. I’ve tried making clothes but it’s always ended in disaster.

My college roomie, Barbie (Barbara IRL) has her degree in Apparel Design and Merchandising. Before she moved to Omaha with her husband and became a stay at home mom, she was a tailor in a bridal shop.

Me? I started college at Eastern Kentucky University (EKU) with the same major but got bored. In one of many long conversations with my grandmother before her death in 2002, she suggested that I change majors.

To what? I had an interest in psychology but really had no clue what to do with it. I put some thought into it and changed my major to Clinical Psychology soon after.

Moving Along as A Working Mom

Fast forward about five years to 2007, after a marriage, changing schools and two kids, I finally graduated from Spalding University with a Bachelor of Arts. Again, what was I going to do with it? I had planned to get a Master’s to become a child therapist, but having the boys had kind of halted that path. I didn’t think that I could pull it off. I figured in the meantime, I would work and see what I liked.

The universe laughed. Lily was born in February 2008.

It was 2012 before I even looked at the GRE. If you’ve never heard of it, the GRE is the Graduate Record Exam and my biggest nightmare. I hate standardized testing and this included statistics. Ugh. I didn’t do great, but I also didn’t do horribly. My scores expired in 2017. I took this intending to get into a Master’s of Arts in Teaching program at Bellarmine University, but I didn’t make it past the conditional admission, which lasted a semester. PRAXIS testing was even harder.

Between 2007 and 2012, I worked at two mental health facilities, an outpatient substance abuse facility and learned a lot in the process. You can read Real Stories of a (Former) Mental Health Worker to get some insight into one of those jobs. That one taught me a lot about myself as a person and a mother. There are some jobs that you cannot leave unchanged- that was one.

Wandering A Bit

I left the job I loved the most in 2015, after Jake’s death. I have not been able to find something I loved that much since. I have worked at an inpatient substance abuse facility, direct support worker, a program assistant at a large hospital, and right now I have a new job as a caregiver mentor, but I don’t know as of yet if I love it. The jury is still out.

To be honest, I feel kind of lost, career-wise. I’m not sure I will find something I loved as much as that job again. I felt like I was where I was supposed to be every single day I was there, whether I was working around the hospital or on the unit I eventually transferred to. I’m not really sure what my next move will be. I don’t like not being sure of things. It creates anxiety, and we all know I am not a fan.

What do I love? Writing. That was something I always wanted to do as a kid. Funny enough, Lily loves to write and draw. I’m glad to see that one kid has inherited my artistic abilities. The boys could care less.

What Keeps Me In Psychology?

The ability to help people. I’ve always liked that. I loved being able to help the kids I worked with. They were a blast, except for the bad days. Those were to be expected. Watching a 15-year-old finally go to a great foster family was super rewarding. The funny stories also help, because this field is full of it.

Also, knowing that all my hard work does pay off. In a way, this blog is a branching out of everything I have learned and done while working. I don’t think I will leave the field entirely, but I’m not sure what is next. I really don’t think graduate school is an option. My short term memory was affected by my stroke. I don’t want to go and not do well.

Do I Have Any Regrets?

None. Not at all. I went into psychology knowing I wouldn’t make a million unless I got a Ph.D. I have no interest in that. I’m not in this field for the money. I’m here for the people. That’s the best reason that anyone who wants to go into psychology or any similar profession should be in it.

I have learned a lot and had even more fun. That is what matters most. The piece of paper on my living room wall was just the beginning.

Pic courtesy of Pinterest

Why it’s Okay to be the Not So Fun Parent

Where’s the Fun?

Parenting is not fun 100% all the time. Any parent that says this is lying. I love my kids dearly, but there are days in which this parenting thing entirely sucks. Either two or all three kids are fighting (their longtime favorite is the front seat of my car), someone is sick or injured, or if I’m really lucky, both. I even nicknamed the fighting between Julian and Lily “The Petty Olympics” because they constantly go for who can bring up the pettiest thing and get on my nerves the most.

Other days, my house is a magical place in which dinner is done on time and nobody fights. This is great.

Most of the time, I’m home with the three ring circus, as the kids are jokingly called. Even when I worked, much of the after-school childcare has been my arena. I’m permanently on call while the kids are at school if anything goes down (and it has- I’ve picked up each kid at least once). This leads me to be the enforcer. The not-so-fun parent.

Someone’s gotta do it, right?

This is not to say Matthew is not a good dad, because he is. He simply works a schedule that brings him home around 7 PM and it’s been this way for many years. Many dinners have been burnt in the process of the kids not tearing the house apart, having a meltdown, or fighting. Fighting is a common theme at my house.

Mom is a Meanie

If I had a dollar for everytime that Lily told me I am “the meanest mommy ever” I would never have to work again.

She’s 10. She has no idea what’s coming for her in the future.

It used to hurt my feelings that my kids thought I was mean and they didn’t like me…but no longer. I had a chat with my mom, the queen of mean moms. She reminded me that it’s not really my job for these kids to like me but for me to raise them to be decent people.

Good point, Mom.

Now quit buying my kids recorders.

One of our biggest challenges as parents is to do what my mom said- raise our kids to be decent people. They need to learn manners, to fight fairly, talk appropriately, and many other lessons. This may mean not being the fun parent all the time.

Sigh.

I’ve had to let the kids learn to squash their sibling fights on their own (unless things get super bad) because it got draining on all of us. Being the not so fun parent means having to enforce the rules, all the discipline stuff (big bummer), making sure your kids don’t hurt others and teaching them how the world works, especially when they mess up.

I do worry that I’m a bit too hard on the kids. When we’re out in public, I do tend to crack down a lot on their behavior before it even looks bad. One of the last times Julian had to get a haircut, he was so angry he walked out as soon as he was done. He got my evil mom glare as he walked out. I took a deep breath, apologized to the hairdresser and gave her a really nice tip. He was mad that he had to get two inches off the top, not just one.

Matthew tends to be a bit more laid back in general so someone’s got to be be a bit heavier with things. If I wasn’t, I’m pretty sure this house would be a crap show in an hour. This also fits my semi Type A personality. It’s okay to be the enforcer. Kids need structure, rules and guidance. My kids gets that from both Matthew and I. They know that I have basically zero tolerance for certain things but being kids, they will still attempt to push buttons. It’s what kids do.

The biggest payoff, not that I was looking for one, is hearing how well-mannered my kids are when they are with other people. My friend Madonna has five kids. She kept my boys overnight recently and when she brought them back, she told me “Your boys are so good! You should be proud of them. They were so nice and have good manners.”

I thanked her. I guess the not fun mom thing does pay off. She told me her kids are loud and wild no matter where they go, but she and her hubby are working on this. I figured that while my sons are less than mannered sometimes with me, I have taught them something while they have been rolling their eyes and sighing at me.

The lesson here is: your kid might be annoyed at you while you’re teaching them manners and other things but it does pay off.

If you’re the “not so fun” parent, don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s okay to be a bit harder on your kids, especially in the age of super disrespectful kids. I’ve seen videos of kids that shocked me- my mom wouldn’t have tolerated any of that for a second. Kids aren’t robots, they do have thoughts and feelings- but it is good to instill things like respect and good behavior in your kids.

Parenting is a tough job- try to make the mental load a little lighter. Try to have a bit of fun in the midst of the seriousness. I certainly do.

Pics courtesy of Pinterest

Twin Mummy and Daddy

Not Just the 3 of Us

Ten (More) Fun Facts About Me

I shared some facts about myself many months ago in a previous post Fun Facts

Ready for more fun facts?

1. I’ve dyed my hair just about every shade of red. I love red hair but clearly wasn’t born with it. There have been a few disasters but it was fun while it lasted. I went back to my natural color, black, because Lily couldn’t remember what my hair looked like when it wasn’t red. One of the kids I worked with called me “Redhair” because it stood out so much.

2. I can’t bake. Many muffins and cookies have been burnt in my attempts but it just hasn’t worked out.

3. I can put on lipstick without a mirror, but other makeup requires a mirror.

4. I’m the only person in my immediate family with a BA. My older sister is a pharmacy tech.

5. I learned how to read when I was three years old.

6. I’m afraid of deep water. I don’t go in water deeper than 5 feet.

7. My favorite poet is Lang Leav.

8. The makeup I wear the most is mascara. I get cranky when I’m critically low. I prefer waterproof because as my grandmother once told me “You never know when you might cry.” She introduced me to makeup and it’s been a love affair ever since.

9. I’m not a morning person. I’m stiff (most mornings) thanks to RA and I have to take thyroid medication when I get up. I’m a snail until I am ready to interact with others. If I have something to do, I set an alarm super early because I know it will be a struggle.

10. I love cherry flavored almost anything but I don’t like cherries. Weird.

That’s it for now!