Teens and Privacy: Where Do You Draw The Line?

The Challenges of Social Media

Teens are a challenge and a half. I’m just wandering into the pool of those challenges- most of them weren’t even on my radar until recently.

Everyone needs privacy. We need our space from others, physically and emotionally. We need our own space to grow and express thoughts. Teens need this for many reasons, one of the biggest reasons being that they are trying to figure themselves out. Remember how hard that was? Yikes.

Resist the urge to hover- this may lead to your child hiding things from you and/or lying. This can lead to worse things that you anticipated.

What Our Parents Didn’t Worry About

In the age of technology, privacy can get a bit worrisome. Parents have a lot more to worry about now than our parents did. We have to worry about Instagram and other social site pictures being too revealing and suggestive.

We have to worry about our kids being bullied because that ends tragically far too often. We worry about our kids being targeted while they play video games. These are just a few things that our parents never had to think about.

Black and white computer pic

Talking to Your Children

Opening up a conversation about privacy can be a bit awkward. It’s hard to start the conversation without being weird- you may have to look for an opening.

Do you already have an open relationship with your child? If you do, this may be a bit easier. If not, you may have to do a little more work to ease into it.

Go to my Freebie Page and find some helpful tips for talking to your kids. They require careful steps but in the end, everyone will be glad for the talk. The teenage years can get pretty awkward and a bit scary. Kids need to know they can talk to their parents about anything, including things that go on in the electronic world.

What if my child won’t talk or let me see what I ask for?

This is a rough one. Some kids aren’t talkers. I’ve got a couple. I’m not saying just let the quieter kids be- because they still need to know the importance of opening up and respecting this request. Losing their privilege can be a huge incentive to give you the information you want.

Assure your child that they can come to you if they are scared. That may be all they need.

There are some great apps for keeping an eye on what your kids do online- I use Net Nanny and it is super simple. It’s free and sends me a weekly summary of anything blocked or warned due to something the kids shouldn’t have looked up or sites they don’t need to be on. They also know about this and that they will lose all privileges if I get anything from this page.

As of this post, nothing has ever popped up in the whole time I have had this installed. We share a YouTube account and I can see everything they look up on Google. Some parents I know require their kids to charge devices together in one room after a certain time, access to devices (including phones) at any time they request it, or a little bit of both.

As of now, one of my kids has a phone, and it’s highly monitored. The tablets haven’t been much of a challenge so far.

I’m not a fan of breaking and entering into your child’s room. I don’t recommend this at all, except in one condition. That condition is if you are certain your child is in imminent danger and/or there is illegal activity involved. By all means, break down the door and go for it. This also applies for self-harm and other mental health reasons.

I’m hoping that I never have to sneak in my kids’ room and go through their things. I hope we are able to talk through things and come to a solution first.

What are your thoughts?


What Meditation Can do for Your Mental Health

fea57484e69fcaf7d41d81031a350230.jpg

Meditation is an interesting concept.

Reaching a calm spot in your mind can be hard, especially if life is busy. Your mind is racing with thoughts and slowing down can seem almost impossible.

There are meditation apps on both Apple and Android platforms, even on YouTube. It’s up to you. I prefer an app, Insight Timer. I like the selections- some are led by a person, some use music. I prefer the person.

I started meditating as part of running a group at a former job. I got really into the quiet time to gather my thoughts and just relax. Everyone knew that was my group. The patients also loved it- the group was usually packed.

I’ve gotten out of the habit and need to restart.

Less than five minutes can change your whole day.

Feeling Good All Over

Meditation can help your mind get into a better place, which can help the rest of your body.

How can you get to that place?

  • Find a comfortable space. I prefer sitting on my bed or couch, but this is entirely up to you. Some like sitting on a yoga mat on the floor as part of a yoga practice. It’s all about what makes you comfortable.
  • Quiet is a must. It is hard to meditate if there is a lot of noise in the room you are in, so try to find a good time/place to try this. It can be an almost impossibility with children, pets and/or other people, events, etc, but it’s possible.
  • Do you need a timer? Some do, some don’t. I’ve tried untimed and timed, and I prefer timed. Otherwise, my mind tends to wander off and it defeats the purpose.
  • It’s okay if your mind wanders. If you’ve never tried meditating before or you are coming back to it, your mind will tend to wander. It’s natural. It’s hard at first to let your mind just be. If you’re listening to meditation with words, it can be hard to listen to and connect to the meditation. This is why I suggest short ones at first. As you get deeper into practice, you can work up to longer ones, if you decide it is for you. Everyone has different needs and preferences.
  • Don’t force it. Meditation isn’t for everyone. If it isn’t for you, you will realize it.

Calm sky

Meditation can help you in the following ways:

  • concentration
  • relaxation- as you meditate, your breathing slows and deepens, helping you relax. Also, your mind clears. This is helpful in many situations.
  • pain management- keeping your mind off severe pain, even if for a short while
  • anger management- thinking through things before adverse actions, using relaxing breaths
  • stressful situations/anxiety
  • can help children and adults
  • sleep

Self-care is vitally important. I’ve covered this topic many times on this blog. It’s not just a passing fad or something to do when we’re bored or just when we have time, but something we should find time to do every day, even if it’s just five minutes. I entirely need to get better on the meditation- I love it. It helps me center my thoughts for the day. Restarting an old habit can be a pain sometimes. How do you do it?

For further reading:

Self-Care Isn’t Just Bubble Baths

Alone Time Is A Wonderful Thing

Is It Time for A (Mental Health) Break?

Book Review: “Fall to Pieces”

I love to read memoirs. For some reason, I really enjoy reading memoirs of those with addiction, and this was before my drinking became a problem. I’ve read “Life” by Keith Richards, which was fantastic but took three weeks because it’s over 500 pages.

I’ve also read Nikki Sixx’s book, “The Heroin Diaries”. It was a bit wild, but still very interesting. I’m just waiting for a member of Fleetwood Mac to come out with their memoirs. If anyone knows of one, please let me know.

I”ve read “Fall to Pieces” before, but it was a bit different re-reading it this time. This book was written by Mary Forsberg Weiland, the first wife of Scott Weiland.

He was the lead singer for Stone Temple Pilots, one of the best rock bands of the 90s. If you’re too young to know who this band is, you might want to go on YouTube. They were a great band. Scott died in December 2015, unfortunately from an overdose.

Book cover

The book opens with a very descriptive explanation of her childhood in California, a bit in New Jersey after her mom’s remarriage and, of course, when she met Scott.

Mary also became a model while moving around and became quite successful while still a teen. She also met her best friends during this time. She became friends with Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers. They have remained friends for many years.

It wasn’t until I read Scar Tissue, his autobiography, that I understood all the while Anthony was being my true friend, his own soul was being badly shaken.”

This stood out. We don’t always know what our friends are going through, much less anyone else. People hide things but still make things look at least bearable. I’ve been there for my friends through their own issues but yet struggling through my own.

The story of her relationship and later, marriage, with Scott, is so well detailed. She tells of the good, bad and in between. They were together off and on nearly a decade before marrying, and they had two kids together- a daughter and a son.

During this time, Mary drank and used a lot of substances. She knew it wasn’t the best way to live, but it took multiple attempts to finally stop using.

Mary also has had a long battle with bipolar disorder, possibly beginning when she was a teen. It’s hard for her or anyone else to know. She wasn’t diagnosed until well into adulthood, and this is well documented in the book. She struggled to accept this diagnosis along with being an addict.

Many people with either issue do. I will say she is being treated and is sober, but I won’t spoil the ending for you on how she got there.

Mary shared a quote from a community college class:

“In recovery, we look for progress, not perfection.”

Collage 2018-04-15 14_57_12.jpg

This is very accurate. Nobody is perfect, and anyone recovering from any kind of addiction certainly isn’t. Progress is what counts the most. It is not close to easy, and anyone who tells you it is- they are not entirely correct.

One of my best friends, Tyson, once asked me if I was okay while sitting at dinner and the talk to turned to beer for a while. I wasn’t a fan of beer to begin with, and he knows this, but he was making sure I wasn’t thinking about having a drink.

I wasn’t, but I am very grateful that he asked. It took a year before I could even go into a sports bar. “One day at a time” is the best quote I have ever heard that applies to recovery.

As many of us know, Scott and Mary did not work out (the section about the end of their marriage is a sad one) but they were able to co-parent, at least as of the writing of this book. I’m one of the millions of fans that were saddened to hear of Scott’s death. He was incredibly talented, like many others, but yet, he had an addiction that he was never quite able to end.

Pic courtesy of Google

The Deeper Thoughts of A Special Needs Mom

I’ve talked about Julian, and to a smaller extent, Lily, a lot. If you’ve missed Lily’s story, you can catch up in these stories:

Special Needs Round Two

Thoughts on a Second Diagnosis

It’s a lot to deal with. I didn’t wake up one day and wish for not one, but two kids with special needs plus a third with a heart condition. I promise you, I didn’t.

Cameron’s SVT is pretty much manageable, but it’s still super scary when your kid texts you at school because his heart feels funny and you’re a half-hour away trying to watch “The Act” with a friend. (I recommend that show if you’re ready to throw things at your TV.)

I’ve heard pretty much everything since I even had a thought that things weren’t 100% okay with Julian when he was somewhere around four years old. Lily was about a year when I noticed things were less than perfect with her development.

One of Matthew’s aunts hinted that having her three weeks early plus my heavy activity while I was pregnant with her might have led to her not doing what she should.

I almost punched her. Matthew grabbed our coats and we went for the door. Mama Bear was ready to roar.

Not long afterward, Lily was evaluated and of course, I didn’t do a single thing to cause her delays. She was born three weeks early, but that’s not early enough to cause the severe global delays she had. His aunt can go have several seats because Lily has since kicked her brothers’ butts in grades and speaks wonderfully. Two years of speech therapy will do that for you.

When you have a kid that consistently has meltdowns, tears your house apart, runs off in public and does other things that make people go “hmmm”, you’re going to hear a lot of different opinions. I heard almost everything before and after Julian’s diagnosis, even after I put him on meds, even from Matthew, which contributed to our marriage falling apart.

Sad

The Battle In My Mind

I heard a lot internally, also. This is the stuff that will rip you into shreds. It ripped me in half. I read books. I cried. I yelled. (I’m still working on this one, because, well, I’m not perfect.)

I talked to my mom, who understands Julian on a level that I am not sure I ever will. She says she was like him as a kid but didn’t have a mom that tried to understand her like I do Julian. Even though I worked with kids that were like him but bigger, I still didn’t get it. I was lost. So was he. I kept hearing these thoughts:

“You’re a terrible mom.”

You can’t handle Julian and Lily.”

The house is a mess and so are these kids.”

“You’re not good enough”

No wonder I was depressed, and Matthew wasn’t helping. I was trying to help Julian on my own. Lily had therapists left and right, and she did great in First Steps, but I was entirely on my own with Julian. I had some moral support on the bad days from friends and my mom, but I stopped going to Matthew because I knew I wouldn’t get it.

Julian finally got diagnosed in late 2011 and his evaluation was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. The story of that can be found in Looking at the Bright Side

Getting him on medication is a decision that I do not regret and to this day, I’m glad that I did. Some kids with severe ADHD can function well without meds and that’s great, but as of now, it just isn’t a possibility.

Maybe when Julian gets older, we can revisit meds, but for right now, I’m not willing to take him off. Clonidine is a great medication for impulse control and sleep- he has not been a great sleeper since he was a toddler, and whew, he needed something for impulse control.

Hearing From the Outside World

In the almost eight years since his diagnoses, I’ve heard so much, positive and negative about them. At this point, I’ve probably heard everything, so I no longer care. These are just a few that stick out:

“I’m sorry”- well, I’m not. I am not sorry that my son has an awesome brain that not a lot of us can understand. I would not change him, but I would change his struggles.

I couldn’t do it“- it’s not as hard as you think. Some people really are not meant to parent kids with special needs. If you watch the news, you can see this. Being the mom to two kids with special needs is hard.

It’s really hard when both have a rough day and all I want to do is cry. Instead, I just do my best and everyone goes to bed early. I have a support system that now includes Matthew, my mom, and great friends.

“He doesn’t look autistic”- this makes me want to punch people. First of all, there isn’t a “look” that people with autism have. They look like everyone else. Second, I’ve put years of hard work, money and my marriage on the line (right down to divorce papers) to make sure he is happy, medicated and has skills to live the best life he possibly can. Why wouldn’t I?

“Does he really need the meds?” This one was from my mother in law. She wouldn’t give him his meds on sleepovers but yet complained that Julian wouldn’t sleep. Matthew and I told her either stop complaining or give him his meds- guess who sleeps great now?

I don’t explain anymore to people why I decided on meds, I simply ask them if they want to come to my house on a day in which he hasn’t had meds in two days. (This is not a thing, by the way.)

“How do you do it?” This is annoying. I parent just like everyone else- I get out of bed and hope for the best. Honestly. Pepsi helps. Staying sober is a huge thing. When I was working with kids with developmental disabilities, I will admit, that was rough.

I would come home from a full day, sometimes 12 hours, then have to deal with Julian. (Lily was much easier.) I was mentally and physically drained a lot, and I almost asked to not go to those units, but I loved the work. I eventually transferred to one of those units about a year after Julian’s diagnoses.

At this point, I keep a consistent routine, both kids in their therapies, Julian’s medications consistent and just keep moving. Three kids is a bit of a circus without special needs, but having two with ADD, ADHD and autism is a whole different game.

It requires patience and empathy that I didn’t think I possessed, but here I am. Some days entirely suck, but then, I am dealing with two teens and a preteen.

“ADHD is not really a thing.” Okay then, please come clean Lily’s room, because she cannot without a list explicitly telling her what to do. I also have to take her tablet. She gets distracted so easily that I have to constantly check on her, which annoys her but the job gets done, right? Plus, come wake her up for school. No other explanation needed.

I’m already trying to figure out her morning routine for middle school because it will have be a lot different from the elementary school one.

If you want to experience it from Julian’s perspective, try being super smart, but bored as hell after you finish your work at school, even when the teacher offers you more stuff. Try being hyperfocused on things but not being able to finish them because you, like your sister, get distracted easily.

As a five-year-old, try running off in a parking lot after a bird and not realizing there are cars that can back out at any minute and hit you because all you want is that bird. Oh, and throw in autism. It’s a lot. I don’t know how Julian does it. He prefers to stay at home but will go out if there’s not a lot of people involved.

This stuff happens, everyone. I had to chase Julian through parking lots more than once because he darted off. He’s always been a fast runner. Luckily, he’s stopped this. Whew.

Even with meds, he struggles. They don’t cure ADHD, but they definitely help. I wasn’t looking for a cure- just something to help him not be so aggressive, impulsive, calm enough to sit and learn, and most importantly, sleep. As the years have passed, Julian has calmed down quite a bit, which is a bit of a relief.

Flower

A Few Kind Words

If you’re reading this and you’re not the parent of a special needs kid, please take this as what not to say to someone who is. There are other things you can say that are so much nicer, like:

  • “How is your child doing?”
  • “Is there anything I need to know or learn about your child’s diagnosis?”
  • “Let me know if you need to vent/get out/anything else” (this is so freaking important and believe me, we need this)
  • “You can do this.”
  • “How can we include your child?”
  • “Neat accessories”.. if they have them

These are just a few suggestions. I’ve had parents ask how they can accommodate Julian over the years on playdates and parties and I have appreciated this so much. My father in law has indulged his love for destroying things by bringing him things from his old workplace to take apart.

I’m just a mom, trying to get through parenting. It’s a weird world out there.

What annoying things have you heard while parenting? It doesn’t have to be special needs related, because every parent has heard something annoying. Feel free to share.

5 Facts About SVT

Parenting is challenging. Sometimes we are given those challenges out of nowhere. Cameron has been my “easiest” kid so far but yet gave us the biggest scare.

A Bit Of Background

Cameron was diagnosed with SVT in June 2015. This was discussed a bit in The Hardest Parts of Parenting

His diagnosis came after a game of basketball that led to an ER trip and scaring everyone in his elementary school in the process. Heart issues are very common in both Matthew and my families.

Cameron has been back to the hospital a few times since, due to more (smaller) episodes and for a small procedure to stop the episodes in 2017.

Due to some small episodes, he has had to be on a heart monitor for a month twice. I yelled at different customer service people over shipping complications with the stickers both times.

Mama Bear does make appearances from time to time, everyone. I try to be a nice person but when you mess with my son’s health…

Luckily, we live near a hospital that is amazing and Cameron has a cardiologist that spent his many years in school learning how to take care of kid-sized hearts.

The monitor came off both times without any issues being noted. He only goes back if anything comes up and as of yet, nothing. I will karate chop anyone, however, that even thinks of giving him anything caffeinated.

This includes energy drinks- no Monster drinks at this house. He currently takes two medications for migraines. One helps with his heart, so we consider it a two-for-one. The other is just for migraines.

Hospital pic

What IS SVT? Five facts

The last time I talked about this, I either said to Google it (because Google knows all) or I left a link, but this time, I’ll educate.

I decided on this because one of my greatest nightmares with Cameron is him collapsing during a basketball game and dying like I’ve seen numerous times on the news.

Most kids that die in that way during a sports game had a previously undiagnosed heart condition- either Long QT syndrome or sometimes SVT. Please bear with me, everyone, I’m not a cardiologist.

  1. SVT is an abbreviation for supraventricular tachycardia

This means that the electrical system in your heart works incorrectly, which can lead to an irregular heartbeat, chest pain, and in some cases, loss of consciousness. In Cameron’s case, he passed out in his first episode because his blood pressure dropped. His school immediately called me and an ambulance.

I couldn’t make it to the school in time, so the principal rode to the hospital with him, where I met them. In his second and more severe episode, he didn’t pass out, but he couldn’t walk and I had to get a wheelchair because I couldn’t carry his 12-year-old self in. I did make him stay awake in the car. He was in the hospital for four days that time.

The last few episodes weren’t as serious- but still not fun.

2. SVT can happen at any time, but episodes can happen years apart or never again.

I didn’t like hearing this part at all. It scared the hell out of me. I was afraid to let Cameron do anything for a while after his diagnosis because I was scared it might trigger an episode but he’s got to live his life, right?

He went from June 2015 to March 2017 between episodes before his procedure. That’s not bad. He’s had a few small ones since the procedure but nothing that required hospitalization.

3. There are some known triggers, but then it can also happen while you’re doing nothing or can wake you up from sleep.

Cameron has had smaller episodes during migraines, which is why he is now on medication for both.

He is also not allowed to drink caffeine except for small amounts if he needs it during a migraine, and he stays well hydrated during the summer. That seemed to trigger both episodes. The last episode was triggered by Ultimate Frisbee in gym class and I think he may have been overheated.

4. SVT can stop on its own sometimes requires action to slow the heart rate.

During one of Cameron’s episodes, his heart rate was well over 200 and I was petrified. I had to stand in the hallway, peeking through the curtain as the nurses and doctors worked on him.

There are small maneuvers that you can do on your own, like blowing through a straw or blowing on your thumb, but sometimes those aren’t effective. In the ER, most patients are given medications through IV.

Cameron had to be given medication three times before being transferred to a downtown hospital, where he was in the ICU for three days before spending a fourth in a regular room.

5. There is a procedure that can stop SVT.

Cameron was eligible for an ablation. His two episodes were severe enough that his cardiologist suggested it as soon as he went into the ICU. Cameron was awake but sedated, and his cardiologist went into his heart, found the tissue that was causing the bad heartbeat and burnt it.

Cameron stayed overnight and was home the next day. He missed a couple of weeks of gym class, but I don’t think he minded that very much. It has a high success rate, but Matthew and I were both very scared something would go bad.

I mean, it is small heart surgery. It went well, and Cameron is an active kid. He can play all the basketball he wants.

SVT can be a scary condition. I still worry when Cameron is outside playing with his friends or at school- his school is well informed. He knows what to do if his chest starts hurting and so does everyone that he spends time with. If you want more information on this condition please go here.