Sweet Dreams.. But Where?

Babies sleep a lot. We, on the other hand, do not. While they sleep, we attempt to eat, shower, work, clean, take care of any siblings they have… the list goes on. Some babies sleep in a crib, some in a bassinet. Others sleep in a pack-and-play.

When it comes to co-sleeping, the debate has been on-going for years. I’m well past the stage in which it is an issue for me, but I still find it interesting. Matthew and I didn’t let the kids sleep with us.

Matthew is a big guy- he’s 5’10 and about 260 lbs. He was about this size when Cameron was born, and he was scared that if Cameron slept with us, he would roll over on him. That would have not ended well. I agreed, and this rule went for all three kids. They don’t sleep with us, even if they are sick or have had a bad dream. If they’re sick, they can keep that in their bed, honestly. I don’t want that. My immune system sucks enough as it is.

This isn’t to say that I am against co-sleeping. It just wasn’t an option for us.

The Case for Co-Sleeping

Co-sleeping can be awesome if done correctly. I’m all for snuggles and everyone sleeping in the same bed. If you are breastfeeding, it’s probably the best idea for night feedings. You can lay in bed and poof! A midnight snack is there for the baby. Everyone goes back to sleep when the baby is done. This can help with maintaining the milk supply.

Children that co-sleep also can feel more secure and safe, reducing nighttime separation anxiety. This also helps with skin-to-skin contact. If you are gone most of the day, night time can be the main time you have with your child. This information can be found on kellymom

Disadvantages of Co-Sleeping

It may be difficult to get a 6-month old to stop co-sleeping, but even harder to get a 3-year-old to change beds. This was the second major concern I have about co-sleeping.

A friend of mine co-slept with her younger daughter until she was 3 and it was very hard for her daughter to adjust. It took months for her to fully get the idea that she needed to sleep in her “big girl” bed and not with her mom.

Safety is a major concern. I already stated my thoughts on this, but there are recommendations to not co-sleep by many professionals due to deaths of babies that were accidentally smothered by parents.

Babies can get tangled in sheets, hair, or even threads from the sheets. If you are going to consider co-sleeping, here are some safety tips, again from kellymom

  • Do not co-sleep if you have a waterbed.
  • Do not co-sleep if you have used alcohol and/or drugs.
  • Do not swaddle and co-sleep. The baby may become overheated.
  • There should not be any space between the bed and wall where the baby could roll and become stuck.
  • No loose pillows or blankets near the baby’s face.
  • The mattress should be fitted to the head and footboard.

Another disadvantage is that co-sleeping can interrupt intimate time between the parents. It’s kind of hard to get any kind of intimacy going if there is a baby between you.

This can become an issue between couples, so communication is key. You and your partner will need to discuss how this change will impact your relationship and what you can do to keep it from becoming a serious issue.

Think It Out

Like many other decisions in parenting, take the time to consider the pros and cons carefully. If you need to, consult a pediatrician or other medical professional. Think about what works for you, your partner and baby, because that is what matters most. Happy sleeping!

Pics courtesy of Unsplash

Advertisements

Is the Money Worth it?

As you may know, I went back to work full time in January. I was hired to hire, train and supervise caregivers for a company that serves (mainly) the elderly.

Reality Sets In..

This has not happened. What has happened? Barely any training and caregiving, which is part of my job, but not all of it. There have been few applicants for caregivers and/or my assistant. None have worked out.

Meanwhile, a case manager has gone on a mission to insult me and try to say I’m not doing my job after he took a week to send me paperwork. *sighs* This office is a new one and it’s not going well. I have a bad feeling that my bosses think I’m a slacker but here I am, a one-woman show.

Guys, my car’s transmission went out Tuesday (2/12) on my way to a client and my boss was mad that I did not get my info in the computer in time. I got home super late and I had a migraine- I didn’t care about the computer. Neither of them has gone to bat for me or supported me when I needed it.

One got my real thoughts on everything Wednesday morning, even though he didn’t really ask.

A Bit of A Set-Up

I think I’m being set up for failure. I’ve sat through meetings in which my direct boss admits he hadn’t gone over things with me yet that he should have. I basically got trained enough to pass a test and see individuals and that was it. I would never send someone out like that.

It’s extremely frustrating, so I’m looking at other options. I thought about the fact that I am getting paid very well, but is it worth it?

Nope. Not even a little.

I’ll take a different job, less pay and many different bosses and be a lot better off.

I learned this lesson about six years ago.

The Bigger Message

In 2013, I had a mini-stroke. At that point, I was extremely stressed at my job. I was considering leaving if I could not find a unit to go to permanently. After the stroke, my neurologist strongly recommended that I do so.

It took a few months, but I was able to find a Mental Health Associate position in my favorite unit. I was so happy- I got to work with the kids that I enjoyed the most and of course, Jake was there. The days were long, but the co-workers were fun.

I took a $1.50/hr pay cut to do this but it was well worth it. My happiness and health were more important. That is more important to me than any amount of money that I could make.

What’s Next?

I’m not sure. I don’t see much changing after the conversation Wednesday morning. I will not stay with a company that is not supportive of their employees or train them decently. My standards might be high, but I am not ruining my career over this job.

Thoughts? Have you had a similar experience?

Tips for Parenting from Baby to Middle School

Opinions are everywhere.

So are your kid’s toys, the cat’s litter and the contents of your purse.

Or is that just me?

Maybe. Maybe not.

It’s a weird world that we live in- everyone has something to say. Some of us feel the need to live up to expectations that aren’t exactly healthy.

I am not one of those parents.

I was many moons ago, and there’s a post to tell that story.

The Baby and Toddler Stage.. Take A Deep Breath

Babies are adorable. They’re all soft, cuddly and you just want to hold them forever.

wp-1549471429047..jpg

Avery, my little buddy.

Until that first blowout diaper. I’m here to tell you, it’s one of the many gross things you will witness as a parent. Once you see that diaper, you will want to cry and throw the whole day away. As in hit the restart button and pause right before your baby created that horrible mess.

They sleep about as much as cats, at least for a while. Once they sleep all night, life becomes somewhat decent again. Then comes the solid food stage, in which they insist on smearing everywhere. It makes for great pictures but horrible cleanup. Babies also become mobile, and that’s when the real fun begins. It’s when we stop being able to have nice things.

Toddlers are known to be tiny terrors. They can destroy your home in about 15 seconds or less if given the opportunity. They also have the capacity to be the cutest little people you will ever lay eyes on. “Oh, wait, I have a voice and it gets loud? Wait, hold my sippy cup while I scream because Mom changed the channel.”

My friend Melanie had a hashtag #ReasonsWhyMyToddlerIsCrying while her son Elliott was a toddler and it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. My kids threw wild tantrums and I am glad I lived through this phase.. barely. I went through three toddlers in a short amount of time.

How can you survive this phase?

  • Sleep. Try to sleep when the baby sleeps, but don’t beat yourself up over it. Sleep the best you can at night. Try for some sort of schedule if you can, you will thank yourself later. My kids still have a sleep schedule and they’re much older.
  • Breathe. Take lots of deep breaths. Meditate if you need to. It helps keep you calm.
  • Humor. You will need this when your two-year-old has discovered what a Sharpie is.
  • Backup. Backup needs to be a thing from day one. You will need it until your child moves out, or so it seems.
  • Learn about your child. Every child is different and they change over time. This will help greatly when people start giving advice you really don’t need.
  • Self-care. This should be a priority. Forever.

The Preschool Life

This stage is kind of fun. Kids at this age want to learn about everything. They ask a million and two questions before lunch, and they’re learning to express themselves. This might be about the time they learn to dress. That can be a lot of fun- I had a blast with Lily’s outfits. They’re also learning to interact with others outside their family.

Snowball pic

Lily and the snowball

I didn’t think about how expensive preschool was until both boys were in it together. YIKES. It’s not getting any cheaper, so if that’s your thing, you might want to start looking into it when your child is an infant if they aren’t already in daycare.

My kids never went to daycare. Their grandmothers watched them while I worked and finished school then went straight to preschool. Julian had a rough time in preschool, but Cameron and Lily did great. Lily’s road to preschool was not an easy one thanks to her delays. We almost didn’t get her potty trained in time.

Speaking of potty training…

How do you get through this phase?

  • Lots of patience. Potty training does not happen in one day. I do not care what book you read. If you have potty trained a child in one day, please email me. I’d love to know what you did. Julian broke his foot while he was being potty trained and had a cast almost up to his knee. I cannot express how much fun that was. He had a boot on, but it still impeded his speed in getting to the potty. We started late with Lily due to the therapies for her delays and she continued to have accidents well after her fourth birthday. It was not easy. Patience is required in all aspects of parenting but potty training will wear a parent out!
  • Humor. Preschoolers do a lot of funny things. They also say even funnier things.
  • Have a camera. Thanks to smartphones, this is super easy. You will want to take a million pics during this time. They’re always into something. It’s just the question of what.
  • What’s a clean house? If everyone living in it is clean, then the rest is a bonus.
  • Routine is good. Bonus if it actually gets followed daily. We try very hard.
  • Grow an extra set of eyes in the back of your head. Preschoolers are into everything. They want to learn about the world around them and sometimes that means a little bit of adventure. It can also mean doing things they know they probably shouldn’t. Since we can’t really grow eyes in the back of our heads, backup is a good idea.
  • Self- care. These little people take a lot out of us and we need to recharge.

Time for School!

wp-1549471281755..jpg

Thanksgiving 2015

I may joke about it now, but I was sad about sending my kids to school. I cried a little when Lily went to her first day of kindergarten because she’s my youngest and I realized my 5 lb, 12 oz baby wasn’t really a baby anymore. It was a little crushing. She’s now months away from middle school. I may or may not cry at her 5th-grade graduation.

Some kids do not do well with the kindergarten adjustment. Julian was one of those kids. He was diagnosed later that year and that helped somewhat. Kindergarten is a big change- the building, more adults, kids, the routine, and more. Julian is not a fan of big changes, so this was not on his list of fun things to do. He did better in the other years.

Kids in this stage grow so quickly! I sent Cameron to elementary school in 2010 and he finished in 2015 almost as tall as me! They learn a lot, make friends and lots of things in the middle.

How do you get through your baby not being a baby anymore?

  • Let them be who they are. My kids have tried different things to see if they liked them or not, and this is fine. Lily tried playing the trumpet but didn’t like having to play in front of others. Julian ran cross country in 5th grade because he’s always been a fast runner. Cameron loves basketball and plays whenever he can. He won’t try out for a team, (I think) because he’s afraid to mess with his heart (he has SVT and is cleared to play by his cardiologist).
  • Watch them form their own thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. You may be surprised at what they have learned from you. Be proud of yourself for teaching them well.
  • Let them make their own friends. Of course, step in if there’s something dangerous going on. Kids like to hang out with who they like, not who Mom picks.
  • Let them solve their own problems as they get older. This isn’t meant for a kindergartner, but fifth graders can figure out some things.
  • Take all the pictures they will allow. Pretty soon, you will hear “Mom. Stop taking pictures. It’s annoying.”
  • Humor. Humor is a parenting requirement.

The Parenting Struggle…The Middle School Edition

If you’ve seen my Instagram page, this is one of my often-used hashtags. Middle school is a struggle, for parents and kids. Kids are trying to figure out who they are, what their bodies are doing, and as parents, we’re just trying to make sure they’re okay and keeping them fed.

If you have boys, the last one can be a challenge. I have two- I don’t know where the food goes but the wrappers are everywhere.

Kids are smarter than we realize. They, for the most part, are more accepting than many adults are. I think it is a combination of not caring and how they are taught. I’ve done my best to teach my kids to accept others for who they are and not what they look like or what their racial makeup is. I’ve been the kid left out because I was biracial and that is damaging. I would never let my kids do that to someone else.

20180702_120903.jpg

Julian and the Gorilla

The struggles? There are many- smelly feet, testosterone, explaining racism and other injustices, discussing drugs and alcohol (especially when you are 2 years sober), homework, grades in general and lots more.

This is the age in which kids start learning from their friends and not asking Mom or Dad about everything- Cameron learned about bisexuality from a friend of his. I guess when you’re 14, this is on the list of things you don’t ask Mom about.

How does this phase work?

  • Talk to your child. I cannot stress this enough. I don’t mean sit them down and interrogate them but just casual talk is good. They need to know you are there for them and that you care.
  • Boundaries. Let them know what you will and will not tolerate. We’re parents, not their besties.
  • Let them come to you if they have a problem. No judgment allowed. If you judge, they won’t confide in you.
  • Remind them of the importance of good grades, enforce homework rules, etc.
  • Give them space. They need it.
  • Knock before entering. You will regret this the one time you don’t.
  • Humor. Teens are funny and humor helps in almost all situations.
  • Let them be who they are. They are figuring out who they are. This takes a while.

Parenting is an adventure. It is not meant to be easy. We are, however, meant to have the children that we were given. I didn’t realize this until Julian was diagnosed.

I thought I had completely messed up as a mom and maybe even as a person, but no, I was given Julian to become a stronger person and much better mom. Enjoy the ride- our kids only get one childhood!

Do you have any tips to get through these stages of childhood? Leave a comment!

A Talk With My Mom

My mom and I were talking today (2/6/19) and we were discussing the death of a soap opera actor that she really liked. It’s been suspected that it was due to alcohol and I told her that I had once been close to, if not, actually had alcohol poisoning.

“Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad?”

I didn’t really have an answer.

I had to think for a minute.

“I don’t know. I already had a lot going on. I was so messed up for a while and I didn’t want you to worry more.”

It’s called shame, y’all. It’s a big topic in recovery.

My mom hit me with that “don’t bullshit me” look that I’ve gotten about a thousand times in my life.

“No, seriously, Wrae. You can come to me with things like that.” She actually looked hurt. My mom’s not much for feelings so that must have really bothered her.

The Sunken Place

When you’re in the deep, dark place that is alcoholism, or even binge drinking, there is not space for telling many people how bad things are. This might even include your mom.

There is mainly room for drinking. The feelings you have go away, at least for a while. The alcohol clears out the pain and if you’re lucky, maybe you won’t remember the dumb things you did.

The emotions you’re trying to drown out are usually big. They feel too big to manage, and sometimes the usual coping skills just don’t work. I drank well before my life took a huge left turn, but Jake’s death destroyed me. The grief was too much to take.

There isn’t much talking. You don’t want to talk about why you drink- but telling someone about a wild night of drinking might be fun. It’s so hard to face up to the damage you are doing to yourself and potentially others. That day does come, however. My day came and went two years ago. You can read that story in Two Years of Sobriety

Since that day, I’ve finished therapy and started going to a Yoga 12 Step for Recovery class on Sundays. It’s one of the best things I do all week. I struggle with reaching out for help when I need to talk.

Writing helps a lot and I am able to get my thoughts that way, but I know talking is better sometimes. Honestly, it gets exhausting. When I get done talking about how I feel, I’m drained. I need a nap. I used to leave therapy tired as hell, especially if I had been crying.

All The Feels

I’m still a work in progress. I know I have a lot of people that I can talk to. It’s just a matter of speaking. Doing so requires lots of feelings- shame for even having this to deal with, guilt for having to unload on people who have dealt with my problems for over so many years, and just having to process whatever might be under the surface.

Can you tell this is not my favorite thing to do?

Quote courtesy of Pinterest

The Family Car: What’s In There?

My family has gone through a lot of cars over the years. I had a VW Beetle when Cameron was born. I didn’t have the money to get another car, and OMG I cannot explain the difficulties of getting his car seat out of the back of that car.

I was greatly relieved when I got rid of it for the Ford Fusion I got not long before Julian was born because you know, a mom needs space. (I am not endorsing either car company, but that Fusion was probably the best car I have ever had and I miss it dearly.)

A Growing Family Needs More Space.. and Accessories

I didn’t keep that car for long, though. Lily showed up in 2008 and the backseat could not hold another infant car seat. Enter the 2004 Ford Freestar, which has since been very long gone. This car carried us through snowstorms, rain, trips, and apparently, the discovery of Julian’s car sickness.

There’s always that one kid. Julian, of course, is that kid.

We learned pretty fast that if we go out of town, maybe about 30 minutes, we better grab a plastic bag of some sort because Julian will throw up. Everywhere.

For a while, this happened without warning. He just couldn’t tell us. He figured out what we called “the bat signal” of telling us his stomach hurt so that we had about a minute to pull over. To this day, we keep bags in our cars. Both of our moms do because they appreciate the interiors of their cars.

That is one extra- special accessory that we have in our car. What’s in yours? Besides that, we have the following in my car:

  • blankets
  • jumper cables
  • spare tire (Mercedes was nice enough to throw in a set of gloves)
  • flashlight
  • emergency change (about $4)
  • snacks

I feel like I should probably have more, but I’m the mom of preteens and a teenager. They don’t require a baby bag anymore. Thank goodness. I was beyond relieved to get rid of those bags.

I have a little less than three years before Cameron gets his license (eek) so at some point, I will put together a bag for him to have in his car, which is currently mine.

Why Bother With a Kit?

This is a common sense thing. Most drivers have something in their cars just in case something happens. What if something happens to your car? There are some things that you need to have, kids or no kids.

  • Jumper cables
  • Kitty litter (in case of being stuck)
  • First aid kit
  • snacks/water
  • blankets

This is just a small list. It does pay off to be prepared. It’s scary to not be. It also helps to have roadside assistance, whether with your car insurance or separately. This can take away some of the anxiety of having a car issue. Car issues are no fun as it is, but being uncertain of when help is coming can make things worse. Add kids and things can get really tense.

Do you have supplies in your car for emergencies? What supplies do you have? Share in the comments!

Twin Mummy and Daddy