A Parent’s Guide for Wandering and Missing Children

One of Many Nightmares

Wandering is a huge worry for many parents, especially for those of us that have autistic kids. I used to work with kids that wandered or, as it was known at the facility, “eloped”. It was scary to chase a kid down the halls or even outside, because you never know what they might be going after or why they’re running. Great exercise, though. It is also on my list of worries about Julian. He used to run off in parking lots among other places, and was extremely fast. He is still fast but no longer runs off. At almost 12, this is a good thing. I’m not as fast as I was when he was 5, and I’m not sure I can chase him anymore. The peak age is 5 and mainly depends on the severity of autism.

According to the National Autism Association, almost half of autistic kids have engaged in wandering behavior. You can find their website here. That can be a scary number, because most know the 1 in 68 kids statistic. The dangers in this are: encounters with strangers, physical injuries, hypothermia, heat stroke, drowning, etc. This website has a free booklet that can be downloaded that contain tips for safety. (I got it, and it has a lot of helpful information.)

Why Do They Wander?

Kids wander for a variety of reasons. When autism is involved, it’s a bit different.

1. An undeveloped sense of danger. At my house, this is a top reason for a lot of things, and the main reason why Julian darted through parking lots. I cannot count the times I grabbed his small hands so hard I left marks. It’s harder than most people think to contain a small kid. He still lives what he calls “the dangerous life”. When your kid has autism and ADHD, you pretty much pray for the best.
2. Boundary confusion. Literal minds don’t always understand instructions, and boundaries aren’t always visually clear. Autistic kids can’t always see the boundaries that they are told to keep. The park can be seen as a big patch of grass, and the beach can be a huge puddle.
3. Communication issues. Non-verbal or limited verbal kids can’t tell you that the lights are too bright, the room is too noisy or if something else is wrong. They can, however, walk out of the room. They just want to get away.
4. Special interests. If a kid sees a train, they might want to see it up close. They might even walk out of the house to see it without letting anyone know.

Tips for Wandering

There are ways to help prevent wandering, but most of all: KNOW YOUR KID. If you know your kid and their triggers, this can help you follow the other tips. These tips, in part are from StagesLearning.com

1. Understand the goal. What is your child’s goal in wandering? Maybe they just like to explore. This is great, but can be done in a safer way. Maybe they want to go to a certain place? This may take time, but can be very important.
2. Figure out the triggers. Is your child trying to escape a situation? Is the area they are in too loud, too demanding (as in school)? Coping strategies can help.
3. Tracking and security apps may help.
4. Teaching safety- pictures, social stories, etc, may be very helpful. Some kids may wander may not be able to communicate in order to get back home. This is a fear with Julian. He is fully verbal but yet will not speak in some situations if he doesn’t know someone. He surprised me one day during a track meet when he got lost. A teacher from another school found him and he gave her my phone number so she could call me, and we were reunited. I was very proud of him.
5. If wandering at school is an issue, speak to teachers, administrators and anyone else needed about school security to ensure your child’s safety.
6. Swimming classes may be necessary if you are concerned about your child’s proximity to a pool, creek, pond, river, etc. This can be a life or death situation.

This site Snagglebox has some great tips on preventing wandering. Please look if you need tips or if you know someone that does.

If Your Child Goes Missing

I hope nobody ever has to use these tips. I hope I never do. It is one of my biggest nightmares.

The first step, of course, is to look all over your home. Ask neighbors, nearby family members, etc., if they have seen your child. If not, look around your neighborhood. Have others help if possible.

1. Call the police. They are required to enter your child into the FBI’s national database right away and send a BOLO (Be On the Look Out) to surrounding areas.
2. Be ready to give law enforcement your child’s description and picture. – height, weight, hair and eye color. Do they have glasses, other identifying information? Medications? Medical conditions? Date of birth? Other information will be asked for.
3. Make yourself available, including your phone.
4. Inform the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) by calling their toll free number 1-800-THE-LOST

Most missing child cases are resolved within hours, according to Safewise

I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, and according to my kids, it makes me worry too much about them being kidnapped. They have NO idea. Most of the episodes I hear are about missing kids. Stay safe!

Resources:

Safewise

Missing Kids – includes downloadables for safety info

National Autism Association

My series with Bonnie is in week three! Broken Wings Part 3: What Your Child Thinks About Your Divorce

If you have missed the first two parts you can catch up: Part 1 Part 2

Broken Wings Part 2: Divorce Preparations

Broken Wings, Part 2: Divorce Preparations for Your Special Needs Family

by Bonnie Harris Price & Wrae Meredith Sanders

Special needs and divorce; these two words shouldn’t be in the same sentence. Yet more and more families split up because the demands are overwhelming.

Counseling didn’t work. The long vacation meant to help your family reset didn’t work either. It may even seem like your prayers to reconcile went unanswered too.

Then, the inevitable happens. You and your significant other decide to divorce.

Ending your marriage is hard particularly if you have children. Yet when your child has special needs, the task is even more difficult.

The transition to a single parent household won’t be easy. There will be feelings of anger, doubt, fear, frustration, and even betrayal. After all, the two of you took vows to work things out.

But sometimes things don’t work out

It’s important that you know it’s not your fault. And your child’s disability isn’t to blame either. As Iyanla Vanzant says, it’s time to do the work to get your lives on track.

Going through a divorce is like going to war. You don’t want to show up for battle without your protective gear. Don’t confuse this post for a lesson to destroy your soon to be ex, instead, treat this as a blueprint to prepare you for the tough days ahead.

Divorce Action Plan

How much child support should you ask for? What if your child requires special care beyond the age of eighteen? Am I doing the right thing?

These are legitimate questions and at the same time, they don’t even scratch the surface of what’s involved in a special needs divorce case.

Here are some suggestions of what to do when preparing for divorce.

Special Needs Divorce Checklist

• Find a divorce mediator
• Find a special needs attorney or an attorney who specializes in family law
• Bring your child’s records
• Prepare an after divorce budget
• Custody arrangements
• Living arrangements
• After the divorce

Mediator

In the heat of the moment you might want to run straight to an attorney, but first, try a mediator. A mediator can help you arrange an acceptable divorce agreement. A mediator should be experienced and willing to let an attorney sit in without any hassle.

Your mediator should remain neutral and help keep the peace. Mediators aren’t free but some will offer a free consultation. Check Yelp reviews or get a recommendation from a friend who’s been through a divorce.

Special needs attorney

Next, you want to find a divorce attorney who specializes in this area. Custody, insurance, medical and counseling appointments are areas that must be addressed as soon as possible. Efforts to continue your child’s care takes priority over who gets the house.

The goal is to prevent dumping the burden on one person. Lack of support probably plays a huge role in breakups. To make sure you don’t get overwhelmed after the divorce, address this issue first.

Records

If you haven’t already been doing it, document everything about your child including the relationship with the other parent. Family court is also known as the mother’s court, but fathers have rights too.

You want to record all interactions, including the not so good days. Again, this is not to make the other person look bad, but this is to show the court what the child needs. Documentation is especially helpful in abuse cases.

Budget

Your income will definitely change. Income for divorced women is a not so surprising fifty percent. Another ugly statistic shows men tend to get richer after divorce.

Either way, you must prepare your after our divorce budget now. You need to figure out what your expenses will be if you’re going to have any kind of future.

Some things to consider are:

Can you afford to keep the house once the divorce is final?

How much money will I have to make in case I don’t get the child support I need?

What services can my child do without if I need to make ends meet?

Custody and Visitation

Other than the divorce itself, this is the most painful process. What happens to the kids? In Texas and Tennessee, one parent gets custody and the other gets visitation.

If you’re lucky, the two of you can agree to co-parent. Sometimes this is just isn’t case. Worst-case scenario one parent ends up abandoned despite a court order for regular visits.

Understand the court will decide what’s in the best interest of the child. Mothers tend to have more rights than dads, but if you find yourself on the wrong side of the decision be prepared to fight. If you know in your heart you’re the better parent, don’t give up.

Living Arrangements

Once you have decided who and where please make sure the place is suitable for your child’s needs. New divorcees are plagued with the task of finding somewhere affordable, but it has to be right.

New homes should reasonably accommodate the child. If your child has physical limitations, the other parent should move to a place that is handicap accessible. You should also know if the neighborhood is child-friendly.

Another thing you want to consider is to make sure in your divorce decree that you have permission to move. For example, if there is a doctor or facility two hours away that would be beneficial for your child and you wanted to move closer, your ex could stop you if it isn’t in the paperwork.

You want to put that card on the table because as Dr. Phil said, the person you married is different from the person you divorce. For your child’s sake be prepared.

When It’s Over

The ink is dry. Maybe it was an amicable split. A new chapter for you and your child begins.

Ideally, it would be great if you could seek counseling during this trying time. Most people I know don’t seek counseling until years later. Don’t wait years, get help as soon as it’s over.

Don’t be under the impression that life is going to be grand because the pain is in the past. The pain doesn’t heal until you deal with it. It didn’t work out and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

But Guess What?

You got this. Your child is going to need you more than ever. Despite your child’s emotional and/or physical challenges, they are resilient.

And so are you. Thomas Edison failed over two-thousand times when he tried to invent the light bulb. When asked, he said he didn’t fail, he found over two thousand ways it wouldn’t work.

You will get through this. I have faith in you as a parent.

Comments

What’s your story? Are you going through a divorce and have special needs children? Leave a comment below.

bonnie@adhdhomeschooled.com

ADHDhomeschool@Pinterest

ADHDhomeschooled @Facebook

wraemeredithblogs.wordpress.com

The Legal Stuff

I would skip this IF I could, but since I’m trying to be legit, I’m going to have to go there.. the legal points have to be involved. Yikes.

Let’s start with Terms and Conditions (basically what I won’t tolerate):

I don’t allow the following:

-comments, statements or jokes about the following things: slurs against races, any kind of ethnic group, political group (my posts don’t go political), sexuality group or any other group that can be legally discriminated against. I’m biracial and I will go in on racists, bigots and the like. I will also kick you off my blog QUICKLY.

-comments, statements or jokes towards the disabled, physically or otherwise. I am the mother of two children with special needs, and while their needs are not physical, I still won’t tolerate it. I spent five years working with kids and some adults whose needs WERE and those jokes are not and never will be funny. I have a special spot for those who have autism and ADHD.

-comments, statements or jokes about mental health issues, especially suicide. I have no attempts, but I have lost those close to me to suicide, and have had friends and family attempt. Again, this will get you immediately kicked off the page. This is incredibly inappropriate. I also don’t allow shaming of any kind, meaning mom, body or otherwise.

We are all adults here, so if anyone starts arguing in the comments, please let me know if I am not already aware. I will address it immediately. Bullying on this blog is not acceptable in any way, shape or form.

COPYRIGHT and OTHER STUFF: Anything that I write on my blog is my intellectual property, and believe me, this stuff does not come easy. If you want to quote me, that’s great, but please contact me first. Don’t plagarize. That’s just not cool. We can probably sort something out on that.

I’m also not liable for what other people say on this blog, because I am not a mind reader and I do not have control over what others do. I’m not licensed, but I do have a BA in Clinical Psychology. Thanks, Spalding University. (GO, GOLDEN EAGLES!!) That degree has been well used. I will not be able to or be liable for having given psychological advice. I’ve got resources for that if you need them.

If for some reason you decide to not go by the rules of this blog, then I reserve the right to block you with or without notice. I’m a pretty nice person, but I also don’t tolerate the kind of crap I’ve seen online.

I will not EVER send spam. I hate it myself and wouldn’t subject any of my readers to that. I won’t sell your info or give it to anyone else, because none of that is cool. It’s proabably illegal somehow and I don’t like the idea of jail. I’m writing this blog in the wonderful state of Kentucky. If you’re reading this outside of here, then all Kentucky laws apply.

If you click a link from this blog, it should always be a good one. I double check that stuff, but this is my life and s*it happens. I’m not perfect, and if you get a bad one, please let me know. I’ll take it down immediately.

I think that’s it, I’m legal and let the real fun begin. If you are reading this, then you most likely were asked to read this, unless you just enjoy reading legal info with sarcasm thrown in. Hopefully nobody ever gets asked to read this, but it’s there just in case.

-Thanks!

Wrae