Welcome!

I’m Wrae and I am delighted to be here.

Please check out the “Learn More About Me” page 🙂

I am 35, and I’ve always loved writing. I’ve done some journaling, some poetry. I am on wattpad, and if you want that information, I’ll be glad to share it. This blog came pretty much out of nowhere but sometimes that’s the best thing.

I will be putting up a statement for legal reasons about what I will not tolerate on this blog, but in general, I’m pretty laid back. For sheer example, this welcome post is today’s post.

Guests are always welcome, I hope everyone enjoys what they read and leave having learned something or at least gotten a different point of view. As Jewel once said, “I’d rather see the world from another angle.”

I will have posts up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also have book reviews once monthly on Wednesdays.

Happy reading!

Wrae

Snowballing Thoughts

I’ve written a lot about going to therapy. I spent two years seeing a therapist that kept me from going to jail, rehab or both.

Those posts are: Going to Therapy: Setting Goals and Smashing Them

How Can Therapy be Beneficial for You?

Well, it’s time for another round.

I’ve been struggling with writer’s block because I’ve been depressed and anxious. It’s hard to write when you don’t feel like it’s any good.

Motivation is probably my biggest issue- I’d stay in bed all day reading or watching TV if I had the chance. Instead, I drag myself to work for 5 hours. Those hours crawl by. I’m not happy at all with my job and I’d quit tomorrow if I could.

This leads me to my career in general- I don’t know what’s next and that just creates more anxiety. I worry about the kids and my marriage.

These thoughts snowball and are hard to stop.

Facing Reality

I really struggled with the idea. I felt like I failed. I decided on a different therapist because I couldn’t face my former one. It just wouldn’t be the same.

I even got into a psychiatric nurse practitioner. She’s great and I started an anti-depressant. I can’t say yet if it’s helping but I sure hope it does.

She asked me if I had cravings for a drink.

Until then, I hadn’t even thought about it.

Sometimes when I’m stressed, sad or both, I’ll think “I could really use a drink.” I guess I wasn’t paying attention. Part of why I went back to therapy is because I don’t want to relapse. I’m not sure how I’d come back from it.

One of the promises I made to myself when Jake died was to finish the work he started. Even thinking I didn’t do so broke me. As Sara put it, sometimes you need a boost. Plus Jake would be angry at me for not going back because he wanted me to be happy.

As usual, Sara was right.

I felt like I was letting everyone down because for the most part, I’m okay. I got myself back together. Going back means I wobbled on my path.

I talked to Matthew and my closest friends about it and all of them were supportive. If you don’t have friends like these, you need new ones. Matthew hopes it helps because he noticed me pulling away from him.

I cried. I cried a lot. My friends’ support means a lot more to me than they realize. They really do care. I’m not the burden that I thought I was.

That’s the depression talking. It tells me that I should be doing more professionally and that I’m a terrible mom and wife.

If you’ve been depressed, you know what I mean. There’s that voice in the back of your mind telling you things that are hard to process.

I went to my first therapy session with my new therapist last week and she’s very nice. I’ll be there once a week for a while and that’s okay. I have to remind myself of this when I start thinking the bad things.

One day at a time, right?

Ten Tips for Becoming an Advocate for Your Child With Special Needs

When you are the parent of a child with special needs, there are many things to learn about- the diagnosis, medical equipment (if needed) or adaptive equipment, diets, etc. One of the best things you can learn is how to become an advocate for your child. I can’t stress the importance of this enough.

It can be super scary to speak up sometimes, but your child needs you to say what they sometimes can not- there are many factors that can keep a child from speaking up from their needs- speech and/or language delays, slow processing speed, anxiety, and so on. Being an advocate for your child can make you a stronger parent.

Parent and child

Julian’s Path to Awesomeness

Julian had a 504 plan almost immediately after starting kindergarten. His diagnosis came a couple of months later- severe ADHD, combined and autism.

It was a LOT. There is a post dedicated to finding out about the diagnosis, Looking at the Bright Side

The 504 plan worked- it took until 4th grade to get him an IEP. Why? Somehow, Julian’s issues didn’t really affect his work, but it did socially.

The IEP finally got put into place when he started 5th grade. His 4th-grade teacher (who has since become a friend and neighbor) submitted a ton of data to help the process.

Julian is in 8th grade and working on the transition to high school. According to Kentucky guidelines, he can attend meetings when he’s 14, which will be in July, or in 8th grade. My heart broke a little during the transition part of the meeting.

He makes good grades but still struggles with anxiety- you couldn’t pay him to present in front of a class. At the meeting earlier this year, I asked for accommodations for this. I don’t want that to affect his grades.

Meeting

Ten Tips for Helping

My number one tip for advocating?

I can’t say this enough but know your kid. Knowing what Julian does and doesn’t need has helped so much.

The other tips are:

2. Keep and organize paperwork. I have a binder full of Julian’s paperwork- report cards, the 504 plans, IEPs, everything he’s ever gotten from school. It helps when asking for a new plan if you’re forgetful (like me) or just so you can stay up to date.

3. Create relationships with teachers and staff.

My kids went to a great elementary school. The counselors were super helpful, and almost all of his teachers were great with him. My personal favorite was the teacher mentioned earlier. We love Allison. She’s a wonderful teacher and as an added bonus, she was a special education teacher for some time.

4. Ask ALL the questions.

If you don’t know what something means, ask. That’s what the staff is there for. When you’re starting out, there’s plenty of questions to ask, even the ones you think maybe stupid.

5. Know your child’s rights.

Each state has a different way of doing things in this area. Research the IDEA. The reading can get a bit hard but it’s well worth it.

6. Talk to your child. This is the best way to know if the IEP accommodations are actually being used- for example, Julian gets extra time on testing and this is super important during state testing. Teachers have to go by a student’s IEP/504 Plan.

Your child can learn to self-advocate as they advance through school.

7. Communicate with teachers. Try to stay as pleasant as possible. If things don’t go well, speak to an assistant principal. Remember that the main goal is to get the best plan possible for your child.

8. Remember that you are not alone. Millions of other parents are going down the same road.

9. Research, research, and research.

There’s new information coming out all the time about learning disabilities, assorted medical issues and so on. Knowing the newest information can help you feel more confident when advocating for your child.

10. Plan for the future. I try to plan for one school year at a time, but once Julian hit middle school, it hit me that he will be in high school then an adult soon.

Yikes.

I started looking at high school programs last year and we picked a program to apply for. The next meeting to finish his transition plan is later this year.

Getting kids through school is a challenge in itself. Why make it harder?

Information courtesy of

Very Well Family

Being a Bystander: When is it Dangerous?

Everyone’s been in a crowd. We observe a lot of things as we walk through or stand.

Noises. Light. Smells. Where our other companions are if we aren’t alone.

What about the behavior of others?

Crowded area

Why What Others Do Matters

I’d usually tell you to mind your own and keep moving but in a few cases, that actually may be a bad idea.

Being out in public, alone or with others, requires a lot of thought. Planning on where to sit in a restaurant- for example, my mom won’t sit with her back to the door because she can’t see what’s happening as others come in. Or walking alone after dark- many of us won’t if we don’t have to. I get very apprehensive when walking in parking garages, day or night, but then, I’ve probably listened to too many podcasts.

We can’t control the actions of others, as much as we would like. Sometimes, however, we can try to stop a situation before it happens or gets completely out of hand.

If you’ve ever seen “What Would You Do?”, you may understand my previous sentences. The show is about looking at what you would do in certain situations in public- a domestic dispute, discrimination, a lost and hungry child, and other examples. The people don’t know they are being tested until a certain point.

Obviously, if a fight is occurring, there’s always the chance that others will join, just to get on it. Some even might record it, like you would see on social media or a site like Worldstar. What you don’t see often is someone trying to stop the fight. It takes a lot of courage to step in like that. You’re risking your safety, legal record and potentially your life by doing so.

But what happens when someone doesn’t step in OR ignores what’s going on?

Crosswalk

A Psychology Lesson for Today’s Crowds

Let me tell you the story of Kitty Genovese.

Kitty was a young woman living alone in New York City. She was murdered in her own apartment by a man she barely knew. I know this sounds pretty common, but stay with me.

As she was being attacked outside her apartment, neighbors could hear loud noises and screams but nobody, not one single person, bothered to check on her or call the police to report what they were hearing. Kitty fought back, but still died the night of her attack.

When the police finally showed up, they questioned everyone nearby. Most said that they thought someone else would make the phone call to the police that could have potentially saved Kitty’s life. This led to what is called “the bystander effect”- the presence of others discouraging someone from intervening in an emergency situation. The more bystanders that are involved, the less likely it is for someone to provide help. The researchers found that the bystander effect is a combination of two factors: diffusion of responsibility and social influence.

Today, many high schools and colleges promote speaking up when they see something wrong- as the police department in Louisville says, “If you see something, say something.” This can be as simple as asking what is going on or that help is coming, and it may break up the assault or another occurrence. An active bystander is most effective when they assume that they are the only person that will do something.

This information is courtesy of Psychology Today

Photos via Unsplash

What are your thoughts on the bystander effect? Have you ever stepped up in a situation that someone needed help?

2020 Post-Holiday Check-In

I entirely forgot to do one of these before the holidays so here goes:

Physically: I spent a week in a flare that required steroids. That’s the first time I’ve had to get them, but have had a different kind for migraines. The steroids helped and I’m good.

I went in for labs- my liver and kidneys are good. Yay for my liver cooperating. I’m on Vitamin D now but otherwise my other meds stay the same.

Sobriety:

I have three years as of 1/1/2020. This is and has not been easy. I struggled a lot with wanting a drink but it isn’t worth it. Plus, I gotta keep my liver in good shape so it can tolerate these meds.

Emotional:

Ugh. I’ve been a huge mess off and on for the last couple months. I’ve decided to go back to therapy, but this time with someone who can prescribe meds. I think it’s time.

I had a really hard time accepting that I need to go back to therapy. I felt like I failed at my promise to finish Jake’s work. As a friend told me, I did fulfill that promise, and it’s okay to need a bit of extra help.

She’s right.

I also struggled with telling Matthew and my close friends. I felt (and sometimes still do) feel like I should have myself together and that I’ve bothered everyone plenty over the last few years.

I did tell them and I cried for a while because they support me. Good thing I wear waterproof mascara because that day’s would have been ruined.

I’m not even sure what happened. I’ve tried to figure it out, but I can’t live my best life if I’m constantly anxious, sad and not wanting to get out of bed. I have been a lot happier so I know what it feels like.

My first session is on 1/8/2020.

What’s Next?

I couldn’t begin to tell you. I’m not sure about the job I’m at right now for numerous reasons. I got an email for an interview for a position that I’ve previously applied for twice and never got a response.

It starts with a phone interview, which I definitely prefer. Cross your fingers and toes.

Today is Matthew’s 37th birthday. Cameron will be 15 on 1/7/2020. Yuck. Where did the last 15 years go? My little 7 lb, 5 oz baby is now 5’7″ and weighs as much as I do.

There will be a book review this month.

Stay tuned to find out what comes next.

Five Ways to Avoid Holiday Meltdowns

Meltdowns are not a fun event, no matter what day of the year it is. Most of the time, they can be avoided, but sometimes, it’s entirely out of our control. To learn more about meltdowns, you can read The Truth About Shutdowns and Meltdowns

Give thanks

Bringing Down The Stress

The holiday season can be a stressful time- starting with Halloween and ending at New Year’s Eve. This can depend on which holidays your family celebrates- some families don’t celebrate anything at all, some celebrate everything.

Isn’t that neat? My family celebrates Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Chanukah. My mother is Jewish, so we go to her house every year to have some fun over the eight nights. It’s fun but can get a bit tiring, so we go at our own speed.

Things can be a bit more stressful if you run into family members that don’t understand your child’s special needs- especially if they don’t want to. There is a difference between not knowing and not wanting to know. This topic is a bit more detailed in Helping Your Family Understand Your Child’s Special Needs

Overall, there are ways to help your family get through the holiday season in a way that everyone can remember fondly.

Upset child

Five Golden Rings…I Mean, Tips

  1. Avoid places with crowds, loud noises, etc. Many kids with special needs do not like the line to see Santa. It’s loud, bright, and if you’re Julian, there are germs everywhere. Some kids do not do well in crowds, because it’s too cramped, things move too fast, and sensory issues can be caused by very small things that we are not aware of. Some places are becoming more aware of this and are offering sensory-friendly gatherings, so look around in your area.
  2. Be flexible. This is most likely the most important tip. Flexibility is a requirement in parenting, but in this case, there’s more of a need. Things can change in a second with our special needs kids, and this is okay. Things can become just too much for them, and they need the ability to find a quiet spot to calm down in or leave entirely. Bring two adults to events so that one can stay with the other children, bring adaptive equipment, etc.
  3. Watch out for wandering. This can occur when a child needs to escape quickly from a situation they do not want to be in- a loud party, for example. Keep an extra-close eye on your child near doors and other routes away from your location.
  4. Keep up your routine. Most kids are on a break for a week before and after Christmas. It’s important to keep up a daily routine- eating and sleeping as close to usual times as you can. Kids do better when they know what is going on. It keeps their anxiety low and they are less likely to get off-track with behaviors.
  5. Take a break if you need it. If things get to be too much for you and/or your child, it may be time for a break. Don’t go to the next party. Don’t worry about the next celebration. Stay home, watch a movie and snuggle up with your family. This can be more fun than going out and potentially creating more stress.

Christmas gifts

The holiday season is upon us, the weather is getting colder. Let’s make great memories with our families.

What tips do you have to prevent meltdowns with your kids?

Photos courtesy of Unsplash

Information from CBS

Twin Mummy and Daddy