Welcome!

I’m Wrae and I am delighted to be here.

Please check out the “Learn More About Me” page 🙂

I am 35, and I’ve always loved writing. I’ve done some journaling, some poetry. I am on wattpad, and if you want that information, I’ll be glad to share it. This blog came pretty much out of nowhere but sometimes that’s the best thing.

I will be putting up a statement for legal reasons about what I will not tolerate on this blog, but in general, I’m pretty laid back. For sheer example, this welcome post is today’s post.

Guests are always welcome, I hope everyone enjoys what they read and leave having learned something or at least gotten a different point of view. As Jewel once said, “I’d rather see the world from another angle.”

I will have posts up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I also have book reviews once monthly on Wednesdays.

Happy reading!

Wrae

Thirteen Years of Adventure

Three kids provide a lot of memories.

My middle child and youngest son, Julian, is thirteen today. That makes two teen boys..yikes.

He’s taller than me, his voice has changed and eighth grade is coming fast. But yet, he’s still funny, curious and so smart.

As a baby, Julian was so chill that we called him “the Buddha baby”. He grew and so did his heart. His hugs practically choked you if he hugged you around the neck and he gave the best kisses.

Little Guy, Big Changes

Thanks to the onset of autism and ADHD, I don’t remember the last time he hugged me. I won’t lie, I miss his hugs. He wouldn’t hug me or anyone else if you paid him…well, maybe. Depends on the amount. He knows that if he needs a hug, I will always have one for him.

Four wheel pic

Raising Julian has taught me so much about myself, as a special needs child will do. I’ve read books, sat through evaluations and agonized over medications. I’ve cried so hard my eyes swelled from fighting with Matthew over what to do.

We have had great victories, like Julian finally trying new foods, graduating fifth grade, and him making friends. That was a huge one. I literally felt relief all over my body the first time I dropped him off at a friend’s house. He’s tried things that he was scared of, which is big.

Julian is a third of my heart, one of the best things that will ever happen to me. The years have a way of flying by and I have no idea where they went.

Baseball pic

He’s into video games, his bike and watching YouTube. Prank videos are his jam. It fits his personality, because he loves to joke and pull pranks on people. His day is made if he scares someone. Halloween is one if his favorite days of the year, but he doesn’t care about a costume.

Here we go into thirteen…I hope we both come out in one piece!

How did you adjust to teens?

More posts about Julian:

Livng With an Energizer Bunny

My Fearless Leader

A Morning Walk for Autism

Book Review: “Fight Club”

If you’ve seen the movie “Fight Club” and/or read the book, please feel free to compare and comment. Even if you haven’t, let me know what you think.

I love the movie, even though it’s out of my usual genres. It’s the only Brad Pitt movie I like. Edward Norton is a major babe and a great actor.

The first rule of Fight Club? Don’t talk about Fight Club.

Fight Club

Title and why I picked this book:

“Fight Club” by Chuck Palahniuk

I’ve seen the movie countless times. I may have seen it more than once in a day. Maybe. I didn’t think of reading the book until a former friend told me how good it was.

Who do I think this book is intended for?

That’s a hard one. I guess anyone who likes reading books about against-the-grain thinking because this is definitely it. If you ask a couple of my friends and my dad, it could also be for anyone who wants to read a truly messed up love story. This idea is debatable.

If you’ve seen the movie and want to know if it follows the book, this is obviously a must-read.

What did I like about this book?

The detail. Chuck Palahniuk doesn’t spare much from the reader in the story. He describes the actions of the characters like the reader was right next to him.

I also liked that it’s short. I wonder how such a short book (208 pages) became a 2 hour, 31-minute movie.

What didn’t I like about the book?

That’s another hard one. I enjoyed this novel start to finish. Maybe it’s because I saw the movie first? Is it the flow of the story? It could be a combination.

Plot:

This novel has an anonymous narrator, who lives a stressful life due to his job. He travels a lot as a recall specialist and has a bad case of insomnia, to say the least. His therapist recommends that he attends a support group for men with testicular cancer because his stress levels are about the same as men with that illness.

He finds that sharing his issues helps even though he obviously does not have cancer, but while attending those groups, he meets Maria, another person who is there minus the illness. They end up arguing and decide to attend separate groups to avoid seeing each other. At some point, the narrator meets up with Tyler Durden.

The Narrator loses his house to an explosion (with a really sketchy explanation) and he ends up staying with Tyler. The two men develop the Fight Club as a way of dealing with life’s issues, with 8 rules. The first rule is the one most commonly remembered by those who have read the book and/or seen the movie- “You don’t talk about Fight Club”.

Throughout the story, the Narrator and Tyler expand the Fight Club wherever they can. They create “Project Mayhem”, which is basically playing pranks on Corporate America whenever and wherever they can. It’s the Narrator’s way of getting back at the people who made him so miserable.

The story does have many confusing pieces and plot twists- are Tyler and the Narrator the same person? Is Tyler just a separate personality? What is really behind Project Mayhem? It’s a book that draws you in from pretty much page one and keeps you intrigued until the end.

I highly recommend the movie in addition to the novel. It’s worth the time and it helps put the book into perspective.

Quote that I liked:

“Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.”

Everyone goes through something that changes them, and it’s usually not pretty. Those events teach us things that we wouldn’t have known otherwise- this might be about ourselves or the world around us. Sacrifice and pain aren’t great but we are usually better and stronger for them.

That’s it for this month! Have you read a book, seen the movie and couldn’t decide which was better? That’s how I feel about “Fight Club”.

What Meditation Can do for Your Mental Health

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Meditation is an interesting concept.

Reaching a calm spot in your mind can be hard, especially if life is busy. Your mind is racing with thoughts and slowing down can seem almost impossible.

There are meditation apps on both Apple and Android platforms, even on YouTube. It’s up to you. I prefer an app, Insight Timer. I like the selections- some are led by a person, some use music. I prefer the person.

I started meditating as part of running a group at a former job. I got really into the quiet time to gather my thoughts and just relax. Everyone knew that was my group. The patients also loved it- the group was usually packed.

I’ve gotten out of the habit and need to restart.

Less than five minutes can change your whole day.

Feeling Good All Over

Meditation can help your mind get into a better place, which can help the rest of your body.

How can you get to that place?

  • Find a comfortable space. I prefer sitting on my bed or couch, but this is entirely up to you. Some like sitting on a yoga mat on the floor as part of a yoga practice. It’s all about what makes you comfortable.
  • Quiet is a must. It is hard to meditate if there is a lot of noise in the room you are in, so try to find a good time/place to try this. It can be an almost impossibility with children, pets and/or other people, events, etc, but it’s possible.
  • Do you need a timer? Some do, some don’t. I’ve tried untimed and timed, and I prefer timed. Otherwise, my mind tends to wander off and it defeats the purpose.
  • It’s okay if your mind wanders. If you’ve never tried meditating before or you are coming back to it, your mind will tend to wander. It’s natural. It’s hard at first to let your mind just be. If you’re listening to meditation with words, it can be hard to listen to and connect to the meditation. This is why I suggest short ones at first. As you get deeper into practice, you can work up to longer ones, if you decide it is for you. Everyone has different needs and preferences.
  • Don’t force it. Meditation isn’t for everyone. If it isn’t for you, you will realize it.

Calm sky

Meditation can help you in the following ways:

  • concentration
  • relaxation- as you meditate, your breathing slows and deepens, helping you relax. Also, your mind clears. This is helpful in many situations.
  • pain management- keeping your mind off severe pain, even if for a short while
  • anger management- thinking through things before adverse actions, using relaxing breaths
  • stressful situations/anxiety
  • can help children and adults
  • sleep

Self-care is vitally important. I’ve covered this topic many times on this blog. It’s not just a passing fad or something to do when we’re bored or just when we have time, but something we should find time to do every day, even if it’s just five minutes. I entirely need to get better on the meditation- I love it. It helps me center my thoughts for the day. Restarting an old habit can be a pain sometimes. How do you do it?

For further reading:

Self-Care Isn’t Just Bubble Baths

Alone Time Is A Wonderful Thing

Is It Time for A (Mental Health) Break?

Book Review: “Fall to Pieces”

I love to read memoirs. For some reason, I really enjoy reading memoirs of those with addiction, and this was before my drinking became a problem. I’ve read “Life” by Keith Richards, which was fantastic but took three weeks because it’s over 500 pages.

I’ve also read Nikki Sixx’s book, “The Heroin Diaries”. It was a bit wild, but still very interesting. I’m just waiting for a member of Fleetwood Mac to come out with their memoirs. If anyone knows of one, please let me know.

I”ve read “Fall to Pieces” before, but it was a bit different re-reading it this time. This book was written by Mary Forsberg Weiland, the first wife of Scott Weiland.

He was the lead singer for Stone Temple Pilots, one of the best rock bands of the 90s. If you’re too young to know who this band is, you might want to go on YouTube. They were a great band. Scott died in December 2015, unfortunately from an overdose.

Book cover

The book opens with a very descriptive explanation of her childhood in California, a bit in New Jersey after her mom’s remarriage and, of course, when she met Scott.

Mary also became a model while moving around and became quite successful while still a teen. She also met her best friends during this time. She became friends with Anthony Kiedis, lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers. They have remained friends for many years.

It wasn’t until I read Scar Tissue, his autobiography, that I understood all the while Anthony was being my true friend, his own soul was being badly shaken.”

This stood out. We don’t always know what our friends are going through, much less anyone else. People hide things but still make things look at least bearable. I’ve been there for my friends through their own issues but yet struggling through my own.

The story of her relationship and later, marriage, with Scott, is so well detailed. She tells of the good, bad and in between. They were together off and on nearly a decade before marrying, and they had two kids together- a daughter and a son.

During this time, Mary drank and used a lot of substances. She knew it wasn’t the best way to live, but it took multiple attempts to finally stop using.

Mary also has had a long battle with bipolar disorder, possibly beginning when she was a teen. It’s hard for her or anyone else to know. She wasn’t diagnosed until well into adulthood, and this is well documented in the book. She struggled to accept this diagnosis along with being an addict.

Many people with either issue do. I will say she is being treated and is sober, but I won’t spoil the ending for you on how she got there.

Mary shared a quote from a community college class:

“In recovery, we look for progress, not perfection.”

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This is very accurate. Nobody is perfect, and anyone recovering from any kind of addiction certainly isn’t. Progress is what counts the most. It is not close to easy, and anyone who tells you it is- they are not entirely correct.

One of my best friends, Tyson, once asked me if I was okay while sitting at dinner and the talk to turned to beer for a while. I wasn’t a fan of beer to begin with, and he knows this, but he was making sure I wasn’t thinking about having a drink.

I wasn’t, but I am very grateful that he asked. It took a year before I could even go into a sports bar. “One day at a time” is the best quote I have ever heard that applies to recovery.

As many of us know, Scott and Mary did not work out (the section about the end of their marriage is a sad one) but they were able to co-parent, at least as of the writing of this book. I’m one of the millions of fans that were saddened to hear of Scott’s death. He was incredibly talented, like many others, but yet, he had an addiction that he was never quite able to end.

Pic courtesy of Google

The Deeper Thoughts of A Special Needs Mom

I’ve talked about Julian, and to a smaller extent, Lily, a lot. If you’ve missed Lily’s story, you can catch up in these stories:

Special Needs Round Two

Thoughts on a Second Diagnosis

It’s a lot to deal with. I didn’t wake up one day and wish for not one, but two kids with special needs plus a third with a heart condition. I promise you, I didn’t.

Cameron’s SVT is pretty much manageable, but it’s still super scary when your kid texts you at school because his heart feels funny and you’re a half-hour away trying to watch “The Act” with a friend. (I recommend that show if you’re ready to throw things at your TV.)

I’ve heard pretty much everything since I even had a thought that things weren’t 100% okay with Julian when he was somewhere around four years old. Lily was about a year when I noticed things were less than perfect with her development.

One of Matthew’s aunts hinted that having her three weeks early plus my heavy activity while I was pregnant with her might have led to her not doing what she should.

I almost punched her. Matthew grabbed our coats and we went for the door. Mama Bear was ready to roar.

Not long afterward, Lily was evaluated and of course, I didn’t do a single thing to cause her delays. She was born three weeks early, but that’s not early enough to cause the severe global delays she had. His aunt can go have several seats because Lily has since kicked her brothers’ butts in grades and speaks wonderfully. Two years of speech therapy will do that for you.

When you have a kid that consistently has meltdowns, tears your house apart, runs off in public and does other things that make people go “hmmm”, you’re going to hear a lot of different opinions. I heard almost everything before and after Julian’s diagnosis, even after I put him on meds, even from Matthew, which contributed to our marriage falling apart.

Sad

The Battle In My Mind

I heard a lot internally, also. This is the stuff that will rip you into shreds. It ripped me in half. I read books. I cried. I yelled. (I’m still working on this one, because, well, I’m not perfect.)

I talked to my mom, who understands Julian on a level that I am not sure I ever will. She says she was like him as a kid but didn’t have a mom that tried to understand her like I do Julian. Even though I worked with kids that were like him but bigger, I still didn’t get it. I was lost. So was he. I kept hearing these thoughts:

“You’re a terrible mom.”

You can’t handle Julian and Lily.”

The house is a mess and so are these kids.”

“You’re not good enough”

No wonder I was depressed, and Matthew wasn’t helping. I was trying to help Julian on my own. Lily had therapists left and right, and she did great in First Steps, but I was entirely on my own with Julian. I had some moral support on the bad days from friends and my mom, but I stopped going to Matthew because I knew I wouldn’t get it.

Julian finally got diagnosed in late 2011 and his evaluation was one of the best parenting decisions I’ve ever made. The story of that can be found in Looking at the Bright Side

Getting him on medication is a decision that I do not regret and to this day, I’m glad that I did. Some kids with severe ADHD can function well without meds and that’s great, but as of now, it just isn’t a possibility.

Maybe when Julian gets older, we can revisit meds, but for right now, I’m not willing to take him off. Clonidine is a great medication for impulse control and sleep- he has not been a great sleeper since he was a toddler, and whew, he needed something for impulse control.

Hearing From the Outside World

In the almost eight years since his diagnoses, I’ve heard so much, positive and negative about them. At this point, I’ve probably heard everything, so I no longer care. These are just a few that stick out:

“I’m sorry”- well, I’m not. I am not sorry that my son has an awesome brain that not a lot of us can understand. I would not change him, but I would change his struggles.

I couldn’t do it“- it’s not as hard as you think. Some people really are not meant to parent kids with special needs. If you watch the news, you can see this. Being the mom to two kids with special needs is hard.

It’s really hard when both have a rough day and all I want to do is cry. Instead, I just do my best and everyone goes to bed early. I have a support system that now includes Matthew, my mom, and great friends.

“He doesn’t look autistic”- this makes me want to punch people. First of all, there isn’t a “look” that people with autism have. They look like everyone else. Second, I’ve put years of hard work, money and my marriage on the line (right down to divorce papers) to make sure he is happy, medicated and has skills to live the best life he possibly can. Why wouldn’t I?

“Does he really need the meds?” This one was from my mother in law. She wouldn’t give him his meds on sleepovers but yet complained that Julian wouldn’t sleep. Matthew and I told her either stop complaining or give him his meds- guess who sleeps great now?

I don’t explain anymore to people why I decided on meds, I simply ask them if they want to come to my house on a day in which he hasn’t had meds in two days. (This is not a thing, by the way.)

“How do you do it?” This is annoying. I parent just like everyone else- I get out of bed and hope for the best. Honestly. Pepsi helps. Staying sober is a huge thing. When I was working with kids with developmental disabilities, I will admit, that was rough.

I would come home from a full day, sometimes 12 hours, then have to deal with Julian. (Lily was much easier.) I was mentally and physically drained a lot, and I almost asked to not go to those units, but I loved the work. I eventually transferred to one of those units about a year after Julian’s diagnoses.

At this point, I keep a consistent routine, both kids in their therapies, Julian’s medications consistent and just keep moving. Three kids is a bit of a circus without special needs, but having two with ADD, ADHD and autism is a whole different game.

It requires patience and empathy that I didn’t think I possessed, but here I am. Some days entirely suck, but then, I am dealing with two teens and a preteen.

“ADHD is not really a thing.” Okay then, please come clean Lily’s room, because she cannot without a list explicitly telling her what to do. I also have to take her tablet. She gets distracted so easily that I have to constantly check on her, which annoys her but the job gets done, right? Plus, come wake her up for school. No other explanation needed.

I’m already trying to figure out her morning routine for middle school because it will have be a lot different from the elementary school one.

If you want to experience it from Julian’s perspective, try being super smart, but bored as hell after you finish your work at school, even when the teacher offers you more stuff. Try being hyperfocused on things but not being able to finish them because you, like your sister, get distracted easily.

As a five-year-old, try running off in a parking lot after a bird and not realizing there are cars that can back out at any minute and hit you because all you want is that bird. Oh, and throw in autism. It’s a lot. I don’t know how Julian does it. He prefers to stay at home but will go out if there’s not a lot of people involved.

This stuff happens, everyone. I had to chase Julian through parking lots more than once because he darted off. He’s always been a fast runner. Luckily, he’s stopped this. Whew.

Even with meds, he struggles. They don’t cure ADHD, but they definitely help. I wasn’t looking for a cure- just something to help him not be so aggressive, impulsive, calm enough to sit and learn, and most importantly, sleep. As the years have passed, Julian has calmed down quite a bit, which is a bit of a relief.

Flower

A Few Kind Words

If you’re reading this and you’re not the parent of a special needs kid, please take this as what not to say to someone who is. There are other things you can say that are so much nicer, like:

  • “How is your child doing?”
  • “Is there anything I need to know or learn about your child’s diagnosis?”
  • “Let me know if you need to vent/get out/anything else” (this is so freaking important and believe me, we need this)
  • “You can do this.”
  • “How can we include your child?”
  • “Neat accessories”.. if they have them

These are just a few suggestions. I’ve had parents ask how they can accommodate Julian over the years on playdates and parties and I have appreciated this so much. My father in law has indulged his love for destroying things by bringing him things from his old workplace to take apart.

I’m just a mom, trying to get through parenting. It’s a weird world out there.

What annoying things have you heard while parenting? It doesn’t have to be special needs related, because every parent has heard something annoying. Feel free to share.