LGBTQ Kids: A Guide

Parenting is full of challenges. We face them everyday- food allergies, mental and/or physical disabilities, bullying, and the list goes on.

There’s a point in life in which our kids decide to date and none of us are ever ready for that- it freaks us out. This happens as early as 12 or 13 or can be years later.

Most of us don’t blink an eye at who they will date, because we just assume they will date someone of the opposite sex, right?

What Happens When They Don’t?

I’ve already thought this one out. I don’t care. As long as my kids find someone that loves and supports them, I honestly don’t care who they date. Race isn’t an issue for obvious reason, and that’s not the topic of the post.

I just want my kids to be happy with whoever they love. That’s it. For example, if Lily brings a girl home and they get married, then I get to watch them say yes to the dress or whatever they wear.

Being a teen is hard enough as it is today. There’s so much pressure to get great grades, fit in, get into a good college, work, and so on.

When you’re a 16 year old girl who likes other girls, it gets a bit harder to be “normal”. You wonder if others would still like you, even your own family. You grew up hearing slurs about homosexuals and you know it’s not going to be great if you tell your parents.

Then there’s the boys who want to date you and you know they won’t stay away forever. All you want is to find a girl that likes you and that you like back, but how does that work? It’s confusing and scary. Bullying is a thing, and LGBTQ teens have it harder.

Coming out is scary. It’s rough. The average age is 17, much younger than it used to be according to a British study found on Everyday Feminism

Teens are smart- they know the risks of telling their families something this big. Some families are accepting, and some families are ready to kick their kids right out of the house, which is a shame.

It’s heartbreaking to know that some kids feel they have to hide this part of themselves, because it can lead to drug and/or substance abuse issues, along with mental health issues, like depression and anxiety.

A kid can only mask so much for so long. It does get better, time goes by, people do open their minds to new things.

Sometimes the people they think will have horrible reactions will have the opposite reaction. The negative messages are also an issue- they can send a message that a kid is a bad person, or is “going to hell”, etc. This can just add to already negative thoughts that a kid can have about themselves.

It gets better when LGBTQ kids find others like them- online, in school, through other friends, in other ways. It does help that many LGBTQ kids are out to their friends and classmates. Those friends and classmates, for the most part, are accepting, and can be a great source of support.

What Can Parents Do?

• Let them know you love them. I’m pretty sure this is the biggest part of accepting your child, no matter what. They need to know this. The scariest thing to many LGBTQ kids is coming out. Once they know they have parental support, there is a huge sense of relief. Be as open minded and present as you can be, even if you aren’t quite sure what to do.
• Research. Parenting requires a lot of thinking and reading. We don’t always know what to do. That’s why the Internet exists. There are quite a few websites for parents of LGBTQ kids, including Hopkins Medicine
• Talk about it. This doesn’t mean hound about their sex life, because that’s definitely awkward for everyone involved, but let them know you are there when they need you, if they have questions, etc.
• Remember this is not a “phase”, there is no “cure”, and there is nobody to “blame”.
• Watch out for bullying at school. It’s a reality that LGBTQ kids are bullied at school and other places. If you need to, get involved with the school. You can read Bullying: A Closer Look for more ideas and resources.
• Talk to someone if you feel overwhelmed.

The world of teenage dating can get pretty complicated, this is just a different road. It’s possible to walk together with your child. Cheer them on!

Pics courtesy of Unsplash

Statistics pics courtesy of hrc.org

Info can be found on:

Everyday Feminism

Hopkins Medicine

Guest Post Book Review feat. Roxanne Ferber

Inclusive Book Review: A Book to Empower Young Kids

As a mom with two impressionable young pre-teens, I am always looking for books, movies and media that empower my kiddos to embrace who they are as individuals. Navigating the world today as a young kid can feel overwhelming with so many influences bombarding their screens and the airwaves around them. Studies show it is important to surround our children with positive role models, images, stories, and words to help build a healthy self-esteem and character.

One of our most recent book purchases includes Never Too Young, 50 Unstoppable Kids Who Made a Difference, by Aileen Weintraub. This book shares the stories of fifty famous activists, musicians, artists, philanthropists, and athletes from the likes of Elvis Presley and Stevie Wonder to Venus and Serena Williams and Nadia Comaneci, and so many more.

Each story shares how these inspirational figures grew into their iconic roles and changed the world.
The most incredible thing about this book is that it includes stories of girls and boys born around the world who have contributed in amazing ways to music, art, science, social justice, and history.

For example, before there was the well-known story about Rosa Parks refusing to give up her seat on the bus, a young, Black teenager named Claudette Colvin was riding home from school and told to give up her seat to a white woman. When Claudette refused, she was sent to jail; she was just 15. This fueled her to continue to plead her case in court. She lost, but one year later she testified in another court case about segregation on buses and it went all the way to the Supreme Court. That case ended bus segregation in the state of Alabama. A teenager – who changed the social structure of America!

There is Parveen Kumar Gorakavi, a young boy growing up in India designed a low-cost artificial leg that would help amputees walk better, at the age of 15. He went on to invent and contribute so many things in several areas of science, but eventually targeted his focus on helping others live longer, healthier lives. What began as a passion for math at a young age, grew into a lifelong career in engineering new technology for the greater good of humanity.

There is also the story of Marley Dias, who at age eleven, recognized the lack of diverse characters in the books assigned by her school, decided to create the #1000BlackGirlBooks campaign. It was her goal to collect 1,000 books with a Black girl main character so other Black girls can see themselves reflected in the books they read. Today, Marley has collected over 11,000 books and has spoken at major events like Forbes Women’s Summit in NYC. All because she had an idea + the desire to make a difference.

One of my personal favorite stories in this book is about Cassandra Lin, who in the fifth grade became an environmental activist. Together with some classmates and support from her community, she was able to create the TGIF (Turn Grease into Fuel) program that collects grease and oil from community residents and local restaurants. The collection is then turned into gallons of biofuel to heat homes. Their efforts off-set over two million pounds of carbon monoxide and donated over twenty-one thousand gallons of bioheat to help hundreds of families stay warm.

Over and over, we see young girls in our media portrayed as gold diggers, or fashionistas with no other motive than to garner followers on social media. Young boys are often portrayed as “heartbreakers” and the one every girl wants to date, or the one that is going to save the girl in distress. The message is, popular is better, and it creates a false sense of perfection in young minds. There are few messages that normalize kids embracing their unique vision and passion, to take them off the beaten path of popularity.

This book puts that message front and center by sharing fifty unique stories that began in someone’s childhood. Boys and girls of all ages will be inspired to be themselves and pursue their own unique passions in life. They don’t have to fit in the same mold as everyone else to make a difference and be happy in life. They can dare to be different and act.

The end of the book encourages kids to think about their own passions and natural skills and to consider how they can use them to make a difference. There are additional sources to learn more about each kid story located in the last pages of the book, and I adore the actual quotes from each kid shared in the illustrations.
You can purchase this book here to give away to a young child in your life, or to just enjoy it for yourself.

Roxanne can be found at:

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Eek! It’s a Teenage Girl

Ugh. As of today, I will have three teenaged kids.

Lily is my last teenager.

*eyerolls and sighs*

Send help, lots of patience and Cherry Coke.

How Did We Get Here?

Well, everyone here knows how babies are made, so I will leave those details out. Lily was born on February 17, 2008 and since then, this house has not been the same. I had a tubal ligation when she was a month old, so there’s no more babies here! I am done, ya’ll. Lily’s pregnancy was a nightmare start to finish, so a small part of me was relieved that she was born at 37 weeks.

Lily was the sweetest baby! She giggled and smiled for everyone. She slept wonderfully, even put herself to bed. Like most little girls, she’s had her dad and grandfathers wrapped around her finger since she was born. My father in law became a huge teddy bear when Cameron was born, but once Lily was born, he basically became Jell-O. It’s been pretty funny to watch. He once gave Lily a quarter to make her stop crying during a tantrum.

She loved dolls, Peppa Pig and spaghetti. Thankfully the Peppa Pig phase has passed.

Over time, Lily grew and got into unicorns, Taylor Swift and black clothes. I can’t get mad at the black clothes or Taylor Swift. I love both. Most of my wardrobe is black. She is the proud owner of a million scrunchies and masks. Her favorite subject is Science and she’s done okay with virtual school.

I don’t know where she learned to roll her eyes or talk to me like I’m someone she wants to fight on the street, but WOW it’s a change. I’m not sure how Lily has gotten to be 13, but the years have gone by faster than I really want to admit.

A Mini-Me

It seems as if I’m raising myself. Lily is feisty and has a great vocabulary. She talks wonderfully thanks to two years of speech therapy. If you don’t know that story, Neurology Is Not My Best Topic may help catch you up. Special Needs Round Two can also help. I have tried my best to get Lily what she needs, even when I didn’t know what was going to result from it.

Lily is doing well in Occupational Therapy (OT). She has a great OT therapist and has been improving. I have friends that got a dyspraxia diagnosis as adults. One told me she wished her mom had done what I have for Lily, because she is in her 30s and trying to adult with dyspraxia. I don’t know how much longer she will need it, but as long as her insurance covers it and Amy doesn’t leave, we are good.

Lily has watched me do my makeup since she could stand on her own and is developing a healthy love for makeup. She’s watched a million tutorials because I don’t know how to do eyeshadow on hooded lids, but I’m sure they have helped. She also loves clothes. I’m not holding my breath waiting for her to stop wearing black. I’m 38 and it’s never been a phase!

Much like me, Lily loves to color, draw and do crafts. She also likes to help me cook. She also wants to go into something scientific when she’s grown. She likes helping others and I know that’s definitely me coming out.

We are entering those years in which her door will slam about a million times, she may not even like me. But she knows I will always love her no matter what. She knows how to speak up for herself, how to deal with the haters. I’m not sure what adulthood will look like for Lily, but I’m there for her always.

The Big 13

I am having a small surgical procedure the day after this posts, and thanks to COVID, I have to quarantine after my pre-surgery COVID test until the procedure. We will have her birthday dinner at home, complete with cupcakes. I ordered her some gel markers for coloring, but the big present is getting her hair highlighted. An ice storm hit Louisville this past week, so that appointment has been rescheduled for 2/26 and she is so excited!

Having 13 year old boys are fun. I’m sure a 13 year old girl will be a blast. Stay tuned.

Pre-Holiday Check-In 2020

I’m back with another pre-holiday check-in. It has been a weird year. My mom has cancelled Thanksgiving at her house- she still doesn’t feel great and would be heartbroken if she got any of us sick. My niece’s kids are young, I have RA and one of my sisters has lupus. This is a good idea, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. We are going to do a video chat.

Plus, for the first time ever, I’m making Thanksgiving dinner. Matthew has wanted to deep fry a turkey, so it looks like he gets his chance. I’m working on sides and desserts. The kids will help cook, so this should be a blast.

I’m also doing video chats with Sara, Tyson and Ashley. It’s the best option we have right now.

Physically:

I started Humira injections in September- one shot every 2 weeks. This isn’t a bad schedule. I can’t even see the needle and it barely hurts, so I can live with it. It’s too early to tell if I have responded well or not, but as of my 11/2 rheumatologist visit, things are good so far. I may even be able to discontinue Plaquenil early next year.

Meanwhile, I am about two hours from a hematologist visit. I’ve never been to one but thanks to my last set of labs, I’m getting some extensive blood work done. Yuck. I did get my flu and pneumonia shots and I’m still bruised, almost two weeks later. I was mildly anemic before my RA diagnosis, but apparently, it’s gotten worse. It’s that or RA has really damaged my red blood cells, which at this point, wouldn’t surprise me. It affects more than just joints- it also affects organs, eyes and just about anything else you can think of. I was diagnosed 3 years ago at the end of this month.

Working part-time is great and all, but it exhausts me. Today is Wednesday, the day of the week that I take it easy on myself after working 4 days in a row, two of them being late evenings. It’s a great job- I can wear pretty much whatever I want, I get paid well and it’s been fun so far. Plus my boss, Billy, is great. That always helps. My coworkers are a lot of fun. There aren’t many of us so we try to take care of each other.

Sobriety:

I’m sitting at 3 years, 10 months and 10 days as of the date of this post. Staying sober during a global pandemic is rough and I have certainly had thoughts about drinking BUT I know what happens if I do. Things go badly very quickly.

My job helps a lot- I’m a behavioral health technician at a sober living facility. Helping my clients helps me keep things in perspective.

Emotionally:

I’m still in therapy. I can be found at my therapist’s office on Fridays at 3 PM. It’s going well.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner was a bit worried about serotonin syndrome (you can read up on Google- it’s not pretty) so I am currently switching from Prozac and Effexor (migraine prevention) to Cymbalta. I felt like complete crap a few days ago, but I’m feeling better. My neurologist was okay with the change and Cymbalta works for both migraine prevention and mental health issues. I’ll let you know how this goes.

I do miss seeing my friends and family. I’m constantly stressed over my kids’ schoolwork- Cameron is way behind in some of his classes and I know he can do it. I’m worried that he will not graduate on time in 2023 if he doesn’t pass everything. Usually, I’m good with A/Bs, but at this point, I just want them to pass their classes. I’m also worried about getting COVID-19. If i do get it, I’m not sure what happens next because my immune system isn’t close to being able to handle it.

What’s Next?

I’m unsure. I’m good, work wise. It’s the first time since I left Peace that I think I may have found something I really like. This has done a lot for my outlook on life in general.

My 38th birthday is 12/29. I have to work that day so I don’t have plans at the moment.

These kids? I have no idea. Cameron will be turning 16 around the time I do the Post Holiday Update. Kentucky law requires that he pass all of his classes and hang on to the permit for a year. Matthew is handling driving classes because I’m definitely not the parent for this.

I’m hoping that things become less stressful and more fun. Like every parent out there, I am just doing the best I can.

Put Some Respek on My Name

First of all, allow me to thank the rapper Birdman for giving me a great title for this post. this was his response to a beef with a rival rapper a few years ago.

Parenting has been full of challenges over the years. Health issues, ADHD and autism, developmental delays…the list goes on for a while. My kids talk a lot and are pretty funny. At this point, the boys have realized when to stop before I get seriously mad, but as of writing thing, Lily still hasn’t.

Kids have their own style of interacting with others, including adults. This is fine. What isn’t fine, however, is when kids cross the line into disrespect. It’s annoying and I don’t have a lot of patience for it.

Reasons that kids are disrespectful:

• lack of examples on how to show respect to others. In some homes, respect isn’t widely taught, it’s demanded from children. As a result, kids in these families may do to others what has been done to them.
• lack of compassion or empathy. Some kids don’t have much compassion or empathy for others (there’s quite a few reasons for this) and as a response, they speak to others however they want to. They don’t see the need to not interrupt, call people names, or otherwise use vulgar language.
• testing boundaries. This is a big one because kids inherently want to test their parents/caregivers. It’s discussed in just about every parenting older kids/teen book. It’s a part of the growing process in childhood and some kids will push harder than others.

What Do I Think?

I’m clearly not a parenting expert.

That’s a well known fact. I’ve goofed a lot up since Cameron was born.

I think sometimes kids are disrespectful because they have a reason for trying to (and sometimes, succeeding) in hurting someone else’s feelings. They may also want to damage things they know are valuable to that person. Kids often become disrespectful when they feel they aren’t being heard. This may be the biggest factor.

There are other ways to get feelings out besides this, but for kids, whose brains are still developing, this seems to be the fastest option that they know will bring them results.

At this house, the kids know what I will and will not deal with. Julian learned early because of his meltdowns when he was smaller.

He realized what he could and couldn’t do to me, his siblings, and our home. If he tore up a whole room, guess who cleaned up by himself? Julian. Cameron is more sarcastic and throws some bass behind his voice, while Lily is quite persistent in her quest for getting what she wants, in her case, is usually getting out of something.

Handling the Mouth

I’m more laid back than I used to be in the parenting department. Trying to be a perfect mom didn’t work out and I no longer have the brainpower for it. You can read more about this quest at: https://wraemeredithblogs.wordpress.com/2019/05/25/confessions-of-a-former-perfectionist-mom/

However, these kids are not running this house. Matthew and I expect them to not hurt/destroy themselves, each other, Miss Purr or anything around here. We also expect them to listen to other adults like they would listen to us. We don’t tolerate any of them cursing at us or any other adult, preferably not at each other.

The kids open doors for others, help my mom down the driveway and at other places as needed. It’s also a way of showing kindness while learning to respect others and their space. To me, part of respect is helping others. We don’t have a huge list of rules, but we do expect the kids to follow the ones we do have.

On the few occasions that one of them has actually been disrespectful (and not joking around), I tell them to try that again, because talking to me in this way isn’t going to get them what they want. Otherwise, I may try to emphasize more what I need from them or that what they want isn’t an option. Sometimes kids just don’t listen.

This can be a difficult topic to deal with in almost every home, but with calm communication, you may be able to come up with a solution that works for everyone.