LGBTQ Kids: A Guide

Parenting is full of challenges. We face them everyday- food allergies, mental and/or physical disabilities, bullying, and the list goes on.

There’s a point in life in which our kids decide to date and none of us are ever ready for that- it freaks us out. This happens as early as 12 or 13 or can be years later.

Most of us don’t blink an eye at who they will date, because we just assume they will date someone of the opposite sex, right?

What Happens When They Don’t?

I’ve already thought this one out. I don’t care. As long as my kids find someone that loves and supports them, I honestly don’t care who they date. Race isn’t an issue for obvious reason, and that’s not the topic of the post.

I just want my kids to be happy with whoever they love. That’s it. For example, if Lily brings a girl home and they get married, then I get to watch them say yes to the dress or whatever they wear.

Being a teen is hard enough as it is today. There’s so much pressure to get great grades, fit in, get into a good college, work, and so on.

When you’re a 16 year old girl who likes other girls, it gets a bit harder to be “normal”. You wonder if others would still like you, even your own family. You grew up hearing slurs about homosexuals and you know it’s not going to be great if you tell your parents.

Then there’s the boys who want to date you and you know they won’t stay away forever. All you want is to find a girl that likes you and that you like back, but how does that work? It’s confusing and scary. Bullying is a thing, and LGBTQ teens have it harder.

Coming out is scary. It’s rough. The average age is 17, much younger than it used to be according to a British study found on Everyday Feminism

Teens are smart- they know the risks of telling their families something this big. Some families are accepting, and some families are ready to kick their kids right out of the house, which is a shame.

It’s heartbreaking to know that some kids feel they have to hide this part of themselves, because it can lead to drug and/or substance abuse issues, along with mental health issues, like depression and anxiety.

A kid can only mask so much for so long. It does get better, time goes by, people do open their minds to new things.

Sometimes the people they think will have horrible reactions will have the opposite reaction. The negative messages are also an issue- they can send a message that a kid is a bad person, or is “going to hell”, etc. This can just add to already negative thoughts that a kid can have about themselves.

It gets better when LGBTQ kids find others like them- online, in school, through other friends, in other ways. It does help that many LGBTQ kids are out to their friends and classmates. Those friends and classmates, for the most part, are accepting, and can be a great source of support.

What Can Parents Do?

• Let them know you love them. I’m pretty sure this is the biggest part of accepting your child, no matter what. They need to know this. The scariest thing to many LGBTQ kids is coming out. Once they know they have parental support, there is a huge sense of relief. Be as open minded and present as you can be, even if you aren’t quite sure what to do.
• Research. Parenting requires a lot of thinking and reading. We don’t always know what to do. That’s why the Internet exists. There are quite a few websites for parents of LGBTQ kids, including Hopkins Medicine
• Talk about it. This doesn’t mean hound about their sex life, because that’s definitely awkward for everyone involved, but let them know you are there when they need you, if they have questions, etc.
• Remember this is not a “phase”, there is no “cure”, and there is nobody to “blame”.
• Watch out for bullying at school. It’s a reality that LGBTQ kids are bullied at school and other places. If you need to, get involved with the school. You can read Bullying: A Closer Look for more ideas and resources.
• Talk to someone if you feel overwhelmed.

The world of teenage dating can get pretty complicated, this is just a different road. It’s possible to walk together with your child. Cheer them on!

Pics courtesy of Unsplash

Statistics pics courtesy of hrc.org

Info can be found on:

Everyday Feminism

Hopkins Medicine

Love Through Bipolar

This post might be triggering, as it discusses loving someone with a mental illness, so here is the official **TRIGGER WARNING** Topics discussed in this post include bipolar disorder and loss.

I Was Enchanted

I could go on for a while about all the good things about Jake because there were so many.

But yet, he struggled, like many of us do. When I met him, I really had no idea. Mental illness really isn’t the first thing most people talk about when they first meet someone. In fact, our first conversation was about Julian. However, ADHD and autism is a whole different story from bipolar disorder.

Jake had beautiful blue eyes and a smile that would melt your heart. I didn’t know that he hid so much, even up until the very last day I saw him, the day before he died.

Meds and the Truth

I’ve tried many medications for migraines and one just happened to be Depakote. This is also used to treat mental health illnesses, including bipolar disorder. We were talking about this one day and finally…

“I take that too, but not for migraines.”

What?? Was this it? I’d been waiting for Jake to say something. I’d seen signs of something going on, but I wasn’t sure what. Sometimes we would talk constantly and then go days without speaking. His birthday had just gone by and instead of wanting to hang out, he had said he’d rather be alone. He’d even told me he considered himself as a “project” for me to take on. I didn’t see him like that at all and made sure he knew it.

“What do you take it for?”

He looked away for a minute and then back. “Because I have bipolar disorder.”

Well, then, that was explained. He actually asked me if that changed how I felt about him (nope, not even a little). Apparently, this had caused issues in the past. Some people just aren’t equipped to deal with it, but that’s still really painful for the person involved.

“The stakes are high, the water’s rough..” – “Ours”, Taylor Swift

Jake’s darker side did make a few appearances, but never once did he get aggressive towards me. We argued a bit, but that’s it. In two years, he only yelled at me twice. Me? More. But then, I’m just naturally loud.

Meds? It’s a well-known fact that many people that have bipolar disorder (and other illnesses) have compliance issues with taking medications, and he was one of them. Along with his brother, I tried to remind and encourage him to take his medications, but it didn’t always work.

Jake and I learned how to read each other- I have always been good at reading others. Thanks to this skill, I was able to tell when he was or wasn’t taking his meds, or when he was or wasn’t having a good day. This helped on his end when I was deeply upset and didn’t want to talk.

He tried so hard to hide this from me, but I still saw everything. I told him that I wasn’t scared of what he was trying to hide. I needed to see it to know what I was dealing with. There were days he just wasn’t the person I knew. He wouldn’t talk or return my texts, but everything was in his eyes.

In his manic episodes, he’d barely sleep, get paranoid (this went really bad a couple months before he died and we didn’t speak for a month), and other things would happen. In a depressive episode, he basically shut down. I would literally have to wait for him to come out of these periods.

Google Became My Friend

I started researching. I knew a lot already about mental illness, but how to love someone with one? Totally clueless. I learned to give Jake his space, even though it hurt. I made sure he knew I was there when he needed me. I learned not to take everything so deeply, especially if he was agitated and it just wasn’t him. None of this was easy, and it hurt so much to watch him struggle.

This wasn’t perfect, not from the first day. Let’s start with the fact that I’m married. Jake was a huge flirt, and that’s a whole different post. I had to learn that just because he didn’t show me that he cared in the ways I thought he should have didn’t mean he didn’t care at all. He just cared differently. He made sure I took my migraine meds and had breakfast at work, asked me daily how Julian was doing, let me cry, and among many other things, he cared about me for me. That is the best thing he could have done. I did exactly the same for him.

I know you can’t love someone out of a mental health situation, but you can definitely help them through it. Love helps with that. Jake was a bit quiet and distant in the days before his death, but none of us saw anything like what would happen on September 1, 2015, coming.

It is entirely possible to love someone with a mental illness. Just remember to take care of yourself, don’t let them get away with everything because of whatever they may have and as always, reach out if you need to.

NAMI

DBSAlliance

Getting Through the Hard Stuff with Kids

I am writing this as a mom of three teens (or almost teens) months into a global epidemic. I have to remind myself that there is no book for getting through something like this with your kids- someone send me a link if there is! My kids are incredibly smart and don’t miss a lot. We watch the news just about every day (I work two evenings a week) and discuss the things we’ve seen.Raising teens is hard enough with stinky feet, pimples and hormones. I have a lot more to worry about these days. As for the pandemic, I’m worried about myself, Matthew or the kids getting the coronavirus.I’m immunocompromised thanks to RA and the medication I take for it. One of those medications is Plaquenil, you know, the medicine that will save the world. Plus, Cameron has SVT and this virus can do some serious damage to a person’s heart.Currently, we are waiting for school to start online. Jefferson County Public Schools (JCPS) is the largest school district in Kentucky, there are just over 100,000 kids going to school here. The superintendent decided to start school online.This will go for the first 6 weeks, and they will evaluate afterward. Our rock star Governor, Andy Beshear, has asked all 120 counties to wait until the end of September to start in-person classes. I don’t know if all of them will do so, but JCPS isn’t willing to chance it.Obviously, there’s a lot of hard topics to discuss with my kids. We have talked extensively on racism, because of its importance. We’re an interracial family- I would be doing my kids a total disservice if I didn’t. If you want my thoughts on the current racial events, please read Just In Case Anyone WonderedWe have also covered:

• masks (in Kentucky, this is a huge topic because some people really aren’t wearing them)
• the economy
• the pandemic and its assorted changes
• trying to do things differently than we planned and being okay with it
• staying in touch with friends and family during this weird time

But how did I discuss these topics? Keep reading.

Meet Your Kids Where They Are

I learned many years ago that knowing your kid will go a long way. Learning your child’s personality and how they see things can enhance many things, including communication. I’m still learning to meet Lily where she is developmentally, but it’s getting better.My first tip: know your kid. Some kids can handle discussing hard topics pretty well, but some need to take baby steps. This is okay, because every kid is different, even in the same family. For example, Cameron is laid-back just like his dad and pretty much takes things in stride, but Lily needs in-depth details.This also helps in knowing when to stop the discussion so nobody leaves upset (depending on the topic). Knowing your kid and meeting them where they are emotionally and intellectually.Tip 2: Throw a little real-life experience or story if you can. This helps a kid relate better to what you are trying to tell them. Example: when I told the kids that I have RA, I asked them if they remember me not being able to do things because I am either too tired and/or in pain, and go from there. If they need facts, give them. Look up things together if you need to.Tip 3: Don’t throw too much information at them at once. Kids get overwhelmed and that’s okay. A person can only process so much. This can depend on the age of the kids and the topic.Tip 4: Share your thoughts. Everyone has an opinion and your kids will likely want to know yours. You may be surprised at how much your kid will think the same way you do..or maybe not. I’ve had some interesting talks with my boys and I was surprised to see that they think about some things differently.It’s okay if your child thinks differently than you. It’s been an eye-opening experience. They take your thoughts with them into the world, so let’s give them some good ones.Tip 5: Remind your child that you are there for them. They may need some time to process the discussion and may have reflecting feelings later. This is okay- just be prepared for pop-up questions and emotions.I would add a tip on knowing a good time to talk, but I’m not sure there’s ever a good time to discuss what’s going on around us right now.As my yoga instructor always said, “We can do hard things”. If this isn’t a hard time to be a parent, I have no idea when it would be.Pic is from unsplash

Ten Tips for Becoming an Advocate for Your Child With Special Needs

When you are the parent of a child with special needs, there are many things to learn about- the diagnosis, medical equipment (if needed) or adaptive equipment, diets, etc. One of the best things you can learn is how to become an advocate for your child. I can’t stress the importance of this enough.

It can be super scary to speak up sometimes, but your child needs you to say what they sometimes can not- there are many factors that can keep a child from speaking up from their needs- speech and/or language delays, slow processing speed, anxiety, and so on. Being an advocate for your child can make you a stronger parent.

Julian’s Path to Awesomeness

Julian had a 504 plan almost immediately after starting kindergarten. His diagnosis came a couple of months later- severe ADHD, combined and autism.

It was a LOT. There is a post dedicated to finding out about the diagnosis, Looking at the Bright Side

The 504 plan worked- it took until 4th grade to get him an IEP. Why? Somehow, Julian’s issues didn’t really affect his work, but it did socially.

The IEP finally got put into place when he started 5th grade. His 4th-grade teacher (who has since become a friend and neighbor) submitted a ton of data to help the process.

Julian is in 8th grade and working on the transition to high school. According to Kentucky guidelines, he can attend meetings when he’s 14, which will be in July, or in 8th grade. My heart broke a little during the transition part of the meeting.

He makes good grades but still struggles with anxiety- you couldn’t pay him to present in front of a class. At the meeting earlier this year, I asked for accommodations for this. I don’t want that to affect his grades.

Ten Tips for Helping

My number one tip for advocating?

I can’t say this enough but know your kid. Knowing what Julian does and doesn’t need has helped so much.

The other tips are:

2. Keep and organize paperwork. I have a binder full of Julian’s paperwork- report cards, the 504 plans, IEPs, everything he’s ever gotten from school. It helps when asking for a new plan if you’re forgetful (like me) or just so you can stay up to date.

3. Create relationships with teachers and staff.

My kids went to a great elementary school. The counselors were super helpful, and almost all of his teachers were great with him. My personal favorite was the teacher mentioned earlier. We love Allison. She’s a wonderful teacher and as an added bonus, she was a special education teacher for some time.

4. Ask ALL the questions.

If you don’t know what something means, ask. That’s what the staff is there for. When you’re starting out, there’s plenty of questions to ask, even the ones you think maybe stupid.

5. Know your child’s rights.

Each state has a different way of doing things in this area. Research the IDEA. The reading can get a bit hard but it’s well worth it.

6. Talk to your child. This is the best way to know if the IEP accommodations are actually being used- for example, Julian gets extra time on testing and this is super important during state testing. Teachers have to go by a student’s IEP/504 Plan.

Your child can learn to self-advocate as they advance through school.

7. Communicate with teachers. Try to stay as pleasant as possible. If things don’t go well, speak to an assistant principal. Remember that the main goal is to get the best plan possible for your child.

8. Remember that you are not alone. Millions of other parents are going down the same road.

9. Research, research, and research.

There’s new information coming out all the time about learning disabilities, assorted medical issues and so on. Knowing the newest information can help you feel more confident when advocating for your child.

10. Plan for the future. I try to plan for one school year at a time, but once Julian hit middle school, it hit me that he will be in high school then an adult soon.

Yikes.

I started looking at high school programs last year and we picked a program to apply for. The next meeting to finish his transition plan is later this year.

Getting kids through school is a challenge in itself. Why make it harder?

Information courtesy of

Very Well Family

Five Ways to Avoid Holiday Meltdowns

Meltdowns are not a fun event, no matter what day of the year it is. Most of the time, they can be avoided, but sometimes, it’s entirely out of our control. To learn more about meltdowns, you can read The Truth About Shutdowns and Meltdowns

Bringing Down The Stress

The holiday season can be a stressful time- starting with Halloween and ending at New Year’s Eve. This can depend on which holidays your family celebrates- some families don’t celebrate anything at all, some celebrate everything.

Isn’t that neat? My family celebrates Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Chanukah. My mother is Jewish, so we go to her house every year to have some fun over the eight nights. It’s fun but can get a bit tiring, so we go at our own speed.

Things can be a bit more stressful if you run into family members that don’t understand your child’s special needs- especially if they don’t want to. There is a difference between not knowing and not wanting to know. This topic is a bit more detailed in Helping Your Family Understand Your Child’s Special Needs

Overall, there are ways to help your family get through the holiday season in a way that everyone can remember fondly.

Five Golden Rings…I Mean, Tips

1. Avoid places with crowds, loud noises, etc. Many kids with special needs do not like the line to see Santa. It’s loud, bright, and if you’re Julian, there are germs everywhere. Some kids do not do well in crowds, because it’s too cramped, things move too fast, and sensory issues can be caused by very small things that we are not aware of. Some places are becoming more aware of this and are offering sensory-friendly gatherings, so look around in your area.
2. Be flexible. This is most likely the most important tip. Flexibility is a requirement in parenting, but in this case, there’s more of a need. Things can change in a second with our special needs kids, and this is okay. Things can become just too much for them, and they need the ability to find a quiet spot to calm down in or leave entirely. Bring two adults to events so that one can stay with the other children, bring adaptive equipment, etc.
3. Watch out for wandering. This can occur when a child needs to escape quickly from a situation they do not want to be in- a loud party, for example. Keep an extra-close eye on your child near doors and other routes away from your location.
4. Keep up your routine. Most kids are on a break for a week before and after Christmas. It’s important to keep up a daily routine- eating and sleeping as close to usual times as you can. Kids do better when they know what is going on. It keeps their anxiety low and they are less likely to get off-track with behaviors.
5. Take a break if you need it. If things get to be too much for you and/or your child, it may be time for a break. Don’t go to the next party. Don’t worry about the next celebration. Stay home, watch a movie and snuggle up with your family. This can be more fun than going out and potentially creating more stress.

The holiday season is upon us, the weather is getting colder. Let’s make great memories with our families.

What tips do you have to prevent meltdowns with your kids?

Photos courtesy of Unsplash

Information from CBS