LGBTQ Kids: A Guide

Parenting is full of challenges. We face them everyday- food allergies, mental and/or physical disabilities, bullying, and the list goes on.

There’s a point in life in which our kids decide to date and none of us are ever ready for that- it freaks us out. This happens as early as 12 or 13 or can be years later.

Most of us don’t blink an eye at who they will date, because we just assume they will date someone of the opposite sex, right?

What Happens When They Don’t?

I’ve already thought this one out. I don’t care. As long as my kids find someone that loves and supports them, I honestly don’t care who they date. Race isn’t an issue for obvious reason, and that’s not the topic of the post.

I just want my kids to be happy with whoever they love. That’s it. For example, if Lily brings a girl home and they get married, then I get to watch them say yes to the dress or whatever they wear.

Being a teen is hard enough as it is today. There’s so much pressure to get great grades, fit in, get into a good college, work, and so on.

When you’re a 16 year old girl who likes other girls, it gets a bit harder to be “normal”. You wonder if others would still like you, even your own family. You grew up hearing slurs about homosexuals and you know it’s not going to be great if you tell your parents.

Then there’s the boys who want to date you and you know they won’t stay away forever. All you want is to find a girl that likes you and that you like back, but how does that work? It’s confusing and scary. Bullying is a thing, and LGBTQ teens have it harder.

Coming out is scary. It’s rough. The average age is 17, much younger than it used to be according to a British study found on Everyday Feminism

Teens are smart- they know the risks of telling their families something this big. Some families are accepting, and some families are ready to kick their kids right out of the house, which is a shame.

It’s heartbreaking to know that some kids feel they have to hide this part of themselves, because it can lead to drug and/or substance abuse issues, along with mental health issues, like depression and anxiety.

A kid can only mask so much for so long. It does get better, time goes by, people do open their minds to new things.

Sometimes the people they think will have horrible reactions will have the opposite reaction. The negative messages are also an issue- they can send a message that a kid is a bad person, or is “going to hell”, etc. This can just add to already negative thoughts that a kid can have about themselves.

It gets better when LGBTQ kids find others like them- online, in school, through other friends, in other ways. It does help that many LGBTQ kids are out to their friends and classmates. Those friends and classmates, for the most part, are accepting, and can be a great source of support.

What Can Parents Do?

• Let them know you love them. I’m pretty sure this is the biggest part of accepting your child, no matter what. They need to know this. The scariest thing to many LGBTQ kids is coming out. Once they know they have parental support, there is a huge sense of relief. Be as open minded and present as you can be, even if you aren’t quite sure what to do.
• Research. Parenting requires a lot of thinking and reading. We don’t always know what to do. That’s why the Internet exists. There are quite a few websites for parents of LGBTQ kids, including Hopkins Medicine
• Talk about it. This doesn’t mean hound about their sex life, because that’s definitely awkward for everyone involved, but let them know you are there when they need you, if they have questions, etc.
• Remember this is not a “phase”, there is no “cure”, and there is nobody to “blame”.
• Watch out for bullying at school. It’s a reality that LGBTQ kids are bullied at school and other places. If you need to, get involved with the school. You can read Bullying: A Closer Look for more ideas and resources.
• Talk to someone if you feel overwhelmed.

The world of teenage dating can get pretty complicated, this is just a different road. It’s possible to walk together with your child. Cheer them on!

Pics courtesy of Unsplash

Statistics pics courtesy of hrc.org

Info can be found on:

Everyday Feminism

Hopkins Medicine

Pre-Holiday Check-In 2020

I’m back with another pre-holiday check-in. It has been a weird year. My mom has cancelled Thanksgiving at her house- she still doesn’t feel great and would be heartbroken if she got any of us sick. My niece’s kids are young, I have RA and one of my sisters has lupus. This is a good idea, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. We are going to do a video chat.

Plus, for the first time ever, I’m making Thanksgiving dinner. Matthew has wanted to deep fry a turkey, so it looks like he gets his chance. I’m working on sides and desserts. The kids will help cook, so this should be a blast.

I’m also doing video chats with Sara, Tyson and Ashley. It’s the best option we have right now.

Physically:

I started Humira injections in September- one shot every 2 weeks. This isn’t a bad schedule. I can’t even see the needle and it barely hurts, so I can live with it. It’s too early to tell if I have responded well or not, but as of my 11/2 rheumatologist visit, things are good so far. I may even be able to discontinue Plaquenil early next year.

Meanwhile, I am about two hours from a hematologist visit. I’ve never been to one but thanks to my last set of labs, I’m getting some extensive blood work done. Yuck. I did get my flu and pneumonia shots and I’m still bruised, almost two weeks later. I was mildly anemic before my RA diagnosis, but apparently, it’s gotten worse. It’s that or RA has really damaged my red blood cells, which at this point, wouldn’t surprise me. It affects more than just joints- it also affects organs, eyes and just about anything else you can think of. I was diagnosed 3 years ago at the end of this month.

Working part-time is great and all, but it exhausts me. Today is Wednesday, the day of the week that I take it easy on myself after working 4 days in a row, two of them being late evenings. It’s a great job- I can wear pretty much whatever I want, I get paid well and it’s been fun so far. Plus my boss, Billy, is great. That always helps. My coworkers are a lot of fun. There aren’t many of us so we try to take care of each other.

Sobriety:

I’m sitting at 3 years, 10 months and 10 days as of the date of this post. Staying sober during a global pandemic is rough and I have certainly had thoughts about drinking BUT I know what happens if I do. Things go badly very quickly.

My job helps a lot- I’m a behavioral health technician at a sober living facility. Helping my clients helps me keep things in perspective.

Emotionally:

I’m still in therapy. I can be found at my therapist’s office on Fridays at 3 PM. It’s going well.

My psychiatric nurse practitioner was a bit worried about serotonin syndrome (you can read up on Google- it’s not pretty) so I am currently switching from Prozac and Effexor (migraine prevention) to Cymbalta. I felt like complete crap a few days ago, but I’m feeling better. My neurologist was okay with the change and Cymbalta works for both migraine prevention and mental health issues. I’ll let you know how this goes.

I do miss seeing my friends and family. I’m constantly stressed over my kids’ schoolwork- Cameron is way behind in some of his classes and I know he can do it. I’m worried that he will not graduate on time in 2023 if he doesn’t pass everything. Usually, I’m good with A/Bs, but at this point, I just want them to pass their classes. I’m also worried about getting COVID-19. If i do get it, I’m not sure what happens next because my immune system isn’t close to being able to handle it.

What’s Next?

I’m unsure. I’m good, work wise. It’s the first time since I left Peace that I think I may have found something I really like. This has done a lot for my outlook on life in general.

My 38th birthday is 12/29. I have to work that day so I don’t have plans at the moment.

These kids? I have no idea. Cameron will be turning 16 around the time I do the Post Holiday Update. Kentucky law requires that he pass all of his classes and hang on to the permit for a year. Matthew is handling driving classes because I’m definitely not the parent for this.

I’m hoping that things become less stressful and more fun. Like every parent out there, I am just doing the best I can.

Put Some Respek on My Name

First of all, allow me to thank the rapper Birdman for giving me a great title for this post. this was his response to a beef with a rival rapper a few years ago.

Parenting has been full of challenges over the years. Health issues, ADHD and autism, developmental delays…the list goes on for a while. My kids talk a lot and are pretty funny. At this point, the boys have realized when to stop before I get seriously mad, but as of writing thing, Lily still hasn’t.

Kids have their own style of interacting with others, including adults. This is fine. What isn’t fine, however, is when kids cross the line into disrespect. It’s annoying and I don’t have a lot of patience for it.

Reasons that kids are disrespectful:

• lack of examples on how to show respect to others. In some homes, respect isn’t widely taught, it’s demanded from children. As a result, kids in these families may do to others what has been done to them.
• lack of compassion or empathy. Some kids don’t have much compassion or empathy for others (there’s quite a few reasons for this) and as a response, they speak to others however they want to. They don’t see the need to not interrupt, call people names, or otherwise use vulgar language.
• testing boundaries. This is a big one because kids inherently want to test their parents/caregivers. It’s discussed in just about every parenting older kids/teen book. It’s a part of the growing process in childhood and some kids will push harder than others.

What Do I Think?

I’m clearly not a parenting expert.

That’s a well known fact. I’ve goofed a lot up since Cameron was born.

I think sometimes kids are disrespectful because they have a reason for trying to (and sometimes, succeeding) in hurting someone else’s feelings. They may also want to damage things they know are valuable to that person. Kids often become disrespectful when they feel they aren’t being heard. This may be the biggest factor.

There are other ways to get feelings out besides this, but for kids, whose brains are still developing, this seems to be the fastest option that they know will bring them results.

At this house, the kids know what I will and will not deal with. Julian learned early because of his meltdowns when he was smaller.

He realized what he could and couldn’t do to me, his siblings, and our home. If he tore up a whole room, guess who cleaned up by himself? Julian. Cameron is more sarcastic and throws some bass behind his voice, while Lily is quite persistent in her quest for getting what she wants, in her case, is usually getting out of something.

Handling the Mouth

I’m more laid back than I used to be in the parenting department. Trying to be a perfect mom didn’t work out and I no longer have the brainpower for it. You can read more about this quest at: https://wraemeredithblogs.wordpress.com/2019/05/25/confessions-of-a-former-perfectionist-mom/

However, these kids are not running this house. Matthew and I expect them to not hurt/destroy themselves, each other, Miss Purr or anything around here. We also expect them to listen to other adults like they would listen to us. We don’t tolerate any of them cursing at us or any other adult, preferably not at each other.

The kids open doors for others, help my mom down the driveway and at other places as needed. It’s also a way of showing kindness while learning to respect others and their space. To me, part of respect is helping others. We don’t have a huge list of rules, but we do expect the kids to follow the ones we do have.

On the few occasions that one of them has actually been disrespectful (and not joking around), I tell them to try that again, because talking to me in this way isn’t going to get them what they want. Otherwise, I may try to emphasize more what I need from them or that what they want isn’t an option. Sometimes kids just don’t listen.

This can be a difficult topic to deal with in almost every home, but with calm communication, you may be able to come up with a solution that works for everyone.

Getting Through the Hard Stuff with Kids

I am writing this as a mom of three teens (or almost teens) months into a global epidemic. I have to remind myself that there is no book for getting through something like this with your kids- someone send me a link if there is! My kids are incredibly smart and don’t miss a lot. We watch the news just about every day (I work two evenings a week) and discuss the things we’ve seen.Raising teens is hard enough with stinky feet, pimples and hormones. I have a lot more to worry about these days. As for the pandemic, I’m worried about myself, Matthew or the kids getting the coronavirus.I’m immunocompromised thanks to RA and the medication I take for it. One of those medications is Plaquenil, you know, the medicine that will save the world. Plus, Cameron has SVT and this virus can do some serious damage to a person’s heart.Currently, we are waiting for school to start online. Jefferson County Public Schools (JCPS) is the largest school district in Kentucky, there are just over 100,000 kids going to school here. The superintendent decided to start school online.This will go for the first 6 weeks, and they will evaluate afterward. Our rock star Governor, Andy Beshear, has asked all 120 counties to wait until the end of September to start in-person classes. I don’t know if all of them will do so, but JCPS isn’t willing to chance it.Obviously, there’s a lot of hard topics to discuss with my kids. We have talked extensively on racism, because of its importance. We’re an interracial family- I would be doing my kids a total disservice if I didn’t. If you want my thoughts on the current racial events, please read Just In Case Anyone WonderedWe have also covered:

• masks (in Kentucky, this is a huge topic because some people really aren’t wearing them)
• the economy
• the pandemic and its assorted changes
• trying to do things differently than we planned and being okay with it
• staying in touch with friends and family during this weird time

But how did I discuss these topics? Keep reading.

Meet Your Kids Where They Are

I learned many years ago that knowing your kid will go a long way. Learning your child’s personality and how they see things can enhance many things, including communication. I’m still learning to meet Lily where she is developmentally, but it’s getting better.My first tip: know your kid. Some kids can handle discussing hard topics pretty well, but some need to take baby steps. This is okay, because every kid is different, even in the same family. For example, Cameron is laid-back just like his dad and pretty much takes things in stride, but Lily needs in-depth details.This also helps in knowing when to stop the discussion so nobody leaves upset (depending on the topic). Knowing your kid and meeting them where they are emotionally and intellectually.Tip 2: Throw a little real-life experience or story if you can. This helps a kid relate better to what you are trying to tell them. Example: when I told the kids that I have RA, I asked them if they remember me not being able to do things because I am either too tired and/or in pain, and go from there. If they need facts, give them. Look up things together if you need to.Tip 3: Don’t throw too much information at them at once. Kids get overwhelmed and that’s okay. A person can only process so much. This can depend on the age of the kids and the topic.Tip 4: Share your thoughts. Everyone has an opinion and your kids will likely want to know yours. You may be surprised at how much your kid will think the same way you do..or maybe not. I’ve had some interesting talks with my boys and I was surprised to see that they think about some things differently.It’s okay if your child thinks differently than you. It’s been an eye-opening experience. They take your thoughts with them into the world, so let’s give them some good ones.Tip 5: Remind your child that you are there for them. They may need some time to process the discussion and may have reflecting feelings later. This is okay- just be prepared for pop-up questions and emotions.I would add a tip on knowing a good time to talk, but I’m not sure there’s ever a good time to discuss what’s going on around us right now.As my yoga instructor always said, “We can do hard things”. If this isn’t a hard time to be a parent, I have no idea when it would be.Pic is from unsplash

No Rest for This Mom

In light of recent events, I’ve been thinking a lot.

I have two black sons. One has autism and even though he’s verbal, I still worry.

What happens if he gets pulled over? Will he react appropriately or will he act in a way that might get him killed?

Julian’s not a huge fan of rules, so this is one of my biggest worries. I don’t know how he may respond. There’s a few factors- is the police officer being kind or combative? Do they understand that my son doesn’t do eye contact well? Can they keep their composure should Julian react in a bad way?

When I say “in a bad way”, I mean being rude, argumentative, or even aggressive. I would love to think he would just be nervous, as many of us would, but I know that may not be what happens.

This may be three years away but I think ahead.

I plan on talking to both my boys about what to do if you’re pulled over. It’s a talk that I didn’t think would need to happen, but here we are. If it’s something that may mean the difference between my son coming home safe and me having to bury him, I will talk like there’s no tomorrow.

I watched some of the coverage from Minneapolis and it reminded me so much of the LA Riots. I was 10 when that occurred. I don’t remember anything from watching it unfold, but I’ve since learned about it.

Cameron would likely be nervous but I think he would comply. I still worry, because he’s a soft-spoken young man. He may ” look” white, but his hair and eyes say different. All three of my kids got my brown eyes and curly dark brown hair. (Mine is black, so the brown part is from Matthew.)

What about Lily? I have no idea when she would be able to drive because of various issues. I’m sure she would become very nervous and possibly cry. I worry about her too. Black women have been mistreated by the justice system, you just don’t hear about it as much.

My kids already know they “look” different, even in their own family. They’re the darkest kids on Matthew’s side and next to my mother, the lightest on mine. They have learned my reality of being stared at because of my skin tone. They’re not scared but they are aware.

My kids, however, have had it so much easier than I did growing up. That’s one thing I wanted so badly for them. I didn’t want them to be the only biracial kid in their class, one of a few in their grade. It’s basically the opposite for them.

Lily’s had friends whose families came from other countries. Cameron learned Spanish from a friend in middle school because he was born in Puerto Rico. They’ve been taught to accept people for who they are, not what they look like. They don’t even think of not being able to play at a friend’s house because they are biracial.

I did as a kid and it’s devastating. I was in the second grade and felt like something was wrong with me because I wasn’t black or white. My mom, being the badass that she’s always been, told me something along the lines of “that’s on them. You’re great the way you are.”

Both my boys can run pretty fast and well- we just watch Cameron closely. Julian is better at running and I hope he (or Cameron) never has to literally run for their lives.

I hurt for all the families that have lost someone to police violence. There’s no excuse for that, not should it be brushed off by the local government. Somehow this happens and riots can be a result. I’m not condoning the rioting, but sometimes people run out of better options.

The LA Riots started over anger after a period of police-related incidents, the most well known being the Rodney King case. Five days of rioting followed after not one of the four police officers involved in his beating were found guilty.

In case you haven’t realized it, I am proud to be black. All day and tomorrow, as Lil Wayne once said. I was raised in a home that celebrated blackness as much as possible. I can’t imagine being ashamed of this. I’ve raised my kids this way. It’s hard enough to be biracial without extra shame. I do realize that not everyone was raised this way and I feel awful for those who weren’t.

I chose to marry a white man. He’s who I love and want to share my life with. Some of the cousins on my dad’s side were mad and guess what? I don’t speak to them. One of Matthew’s uncles felt similarly and he wasn’t invited to the wedding. We haven’t seen him in years, both of these by Matthew’s choice. I wouldn’t dare force that.

My children are more than a hashtag. They are three different people that I am trying my best to guide to be good people. They are similar to millions of other kids- they just want to live.

Pics courtesy of pinterest

Another post on this topic: My Sons’ Future